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October 6, 2000

Vrindaban I entered a myriad

Vrindaban

I entered a myriad of signs lining the pathway held by various drivers searching for their pick-up. I wasn't sure if the message announcing my arrival had reached Gokula Taruni, so I was also searching in return for my name. What a relief to spot the smiling face of Gopal, our brijabasi driver!

Déjà vu all over again. All of my entries into Vrindaban are the same. The feeling of unworthiness, the grime of my long journey representing the contamination of a prolonged stay in America, the instant relief of a yamuna-snana (bath), and the happiness of seeing my old brijabasi friends.

As I was returning from the Yamuna, Dadu, the old ISKCON mailman, passed me in a rikshaw but didn't see me. He was wearing a yellow marigold garland wrapped twice around his around his head like a crown, a sort of transcendental statue of liberty. I see many people in America trying to be unique, but it's just a fashion. Dadu is legitimately himself. Whatever he manifests externally mostly reflects his soul—not Madison Avenue, not any so-called scene.

The water at Kesi-ghat was deep and flowing swiftly. It was five o'clock and the sun was beginning to set in the west, sending a reflection of yellow light through its waters like a pathway cutting diagonally to the base of the ghat where I was sitting. I entered carefully into her waters and, facing the simmering golden pathway, I reflected on the unparalleled natural beauty of Vraja. After chanting my gayatri I waded like a child in her soothing waters. Home at last!

After five minutes, Ramesh, the driver who took me to Kesi-ghat, calmly pointed twenty feet to my left to the last step of the ghat. A large snake sat there with a fish in its mouth. I don't know how to describe my reaction other than to say that I calmly panicked. Quickly placing my hands two feet above me on the steps I swiftly kicked my right foot up onto the first step of the ghat and vaulted myself out of the water or, I should say, tried to vault myself out of the water. I floundered and fell back in. I finally made it out and quickly moved up a few steps to where I had placed my things. As I looked to my right, about ten feet on the other side of the snake, I saw a sadhu calmly washing his lota. He was smiling and gesturing to me. He was laughing and flapping his right hand, which obviously represented to him my panic in getting out of the water. He laughed and laughed.

The brijabasi childen, who were the only other people there and who had been sporting blissfully in the Yamuna when I arrived, were also amused, their cunning smiles and laughter representing the anxiety and carefree hearts of young, simple, brijabasi children.

October 7, 2000

Vrindaban Aindra greeted me affectionately.

Vrindaban

Aindra greeted me affectionately. We talked in his room. It must be a transcendental room. The ambiance of the mud walls, the shellacked Tamal branch in the middle of the room, the countless silas and deities, and certainly Aindra's association had a definitively uplifting and peaceful influence—despite the messiness of the rest of the room, which seemed to have absolutely no ill effect.

I told Aindra that I was fully-shaved because I had just arrived this morning and that, when I enter the dhama, shaving and then bathing in the Yamuna is like ridding myself of the contamination of living in the West. He said that he just read a very similar thing in the Padma-Purana—that a pilgrim sheds his hair upon entering the dhama because the sins one accrues are stored within the hair. Whether it is psychological, inspirational, or factual, my ritual of entering of the dhama definitely felt liberating—a fresh start. Come to Vrindaban for a fresh start in spiritual life!

There is a pain to the sincere execution of Krishna consciousness. Krishna consciousness cleanses our heart, which purifies our attachments. Even the pain of death is ultimately the distress of giving up our attachments. Entering Vrindaban for serious devotional practices immediately invokes an understanding that if one is sincere in his vow one's anarthas will be confronted and uprooted. Am I ready?

A widow came for advice: I warned against phalgu-vairagya—the renunciation of those things that could be used in Krishna’s service. She is very austere, but feeling insecure. Her guru had left, ISKCON is shaky, she is not secure in her present service, and she has no family. She was offered some protection from a family that appreciates her. They offered her some suitable part-time employment and promised to take care of her needs. She balked at the idea. “A renunciate should not become dependent on the householders,” she told me. I replied, “We need security to execute Krishna consciousness and certainly a woman needs to be protected. Don't falsely renounce such protection since your mental peace is essential for your Krishna consciousness.” She felt relieved.

October 8, 2000

Vrindaban A talk with a

Vrindaban

A talk with a brijabasi friend:
We talked about seva, or practical devotional service. I told him that my study of the Sandarbhas strengthened my faith in Srila Prabhupada because they made it so evident that the things Srila Prabhupada emphasized are strictly in line with emphasis of Srila Jiva Goswami. One of those points is the necessity for practical service. My friend also began to glorify practical devotional service.

He described how a guru must be conversant with details of philosophy, but that one could still be a pure devotee if he only understood the gist or substance of the philosophy, bhakti. He gave the example of the South Indian brahmana who couldn't pronounce the Bhagavad-gita properly but gained the darshan of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu because he understood its essence. The brahmana was crying in ecstasy because he understood that, even though Krishna is God, out of love for His devotee, He became His devotee’s charioteer.

My friend then described how he became attracted to his own teacher. He heard that he was a renown scholar, but when he went to see him, his teacher was simply sweeping the floor. Although he studies from his teacher and is now himself somewhat of a renown scholar, he still goes out everyday for at least three hours of go-seva (service to the cows) at his teacher’s gosala. Such service has helped him practically realize what he had been learning from his teacher because the essence of Gaudiya Vaishnavism is hanging one’s ego to: “I am a servant.” One must therefore serve the guru humbly. Even when one becomes self-realized, one will continue to humbly serve because he will be fixed in the pure conception that “I am servant,” and that consciousness will certainly manifest externally in practical service.

We may get so many ideas about what devotional service is but, ultimately, it all comes back to the conceptions that Srila Prabhupada gave us.

Nrsimha Avatar came to visit me to get my book. His present service is to visit temples and teach deity worship. He said that Srila Prabhupada didn't emphasize the puja in deity worship as much as he did cleanliness, punctuality, decorating the deities lavishly, and offering them sumptuous bhoga.

He told me that his main inspiration for deity worship is Jnanivas Prabhu in Mayapur. Jnanivas emphasizes the cultivation of the proper attitude for the deity—that the deity should be the center of one's life. Jnanivas is revered in ISKCON because his whole life is practically centered on the needs of Sri Sri Radha-Madhava. That realization really struck me. I am not satisfied with my standard of worship. I really need to put the needs of Sri Sri Radha-Giridhari first and endeavor to get them nice flowers, fresh tulasi, suitable offerings, and to keep everything spotlessly clean.

Today in Vrindaban Krishna invoked a theme: just become a humble servant.

October 9, 2000

Vrindaban - Ekadasi I went

Vrindaban - Ekadasi

I went to visit Bhaktivedanta Ashram in Govardhana. On my way, I stopped briefly for a sacred bath. As always, it was a very purifying experience.

The potency of the dhama is not just subjective, it is inherent in the place. To realize that potency, however, consciousness is the primary factor. Narottama dasa Thakur therefore says “when my mind is peaceful and I am free from the desire for sense gratification, then I will actually see Vrindaban!” I have come to Vrindaban this time relatively free of other distractions and I hope that will help me reap the benefit of residing in a holy place.

The mind is a repository of desires. When we try to focus on Krishna, often those desires act like static interference. Respectfully bathing in Radha-kunda seems to have the power to clear the mind of the whirlpool of those impulsive thoughts. It allows one to focus one's consciousness on Krishna in a way that was probably not possible before. After taking many devotees on pilgrimage there, I've witnessed that many have had this experience when they approach Radha-kunda in the most humble and respectful manner. It is mystical.

I waded in Radha-kunda for just a few minutes, thankful to Srila Prabhupada for the gift of Vrindaban. I prayed that my stay would be spiritually fruitful.

At Bhaktivedanta Ashram in Govardhana, I gave copies of Waves of Devotion to Kesava Bharati and Jayadvaita Swami. Jayadvaita Swami immediately immersed himself silently in the book for some time, checking all the details. I was a little nervous, but the longer he looked, the more he appreciated the book—from the font that was used for the print to the logic of the layout. He finally said, “To understand Nectar of Devotion people will have to get your book!”

A younger devotee and resident of Vrindaban came to visit me. He was feeling the purification of his prolonged stay in the dhama. I know the feeling. He revealed his mind.

This devotee had become somewhat known for his renunciation, but has now realized that his renunciation had a lot to do with a neglected and bitter childhood that soured him to relationships. His renunciation was therefore somewhat of a psychological reaction, a passion, and not fully an internal and natural detachment. He realized that marriage was necessary and that Krishna consciousness would have to be practiced from a more honest platform.

As I listened he poured out his heart.

I very much admired this devotee. His ability to open his heart at the risk of vulnerability before a senior devotee was certainly a sign of dependence on Krishna. I didn't agree that his renunciation was purely superficial, but I did agree that his present level of renunciation exceeded his realization and wasn't indicative of a fully integrated person. What amazed me was the astuteness of his self-analysis. This astute analysis also indicated to me that, by his sincerity, he had broken through the defense mechanism and rationalization that prevent most individuals from seeing themselves and becoming whole persons. It was also noteworthy that this was achieved solely by his sincere practice of Krishna consciousness, which is consistent with how the process of Krishna consciousness ideally works as described in Srimad-Bhagavatam (1.2.17).

In all of my dealings with many devotees, only one other time did I see a devotee with the intelligence and sincerity to so quickly and independently identify and confront their deepest conditioning, their passions, without a prolonged process of spiritual or psychological counseling.

There are a lot of interesting books in Vrindaban. I read this statement about the protection of women in a relatively obscure book by an Indian intellectual. It may not be politically correct, but it made sense, especially along the lines of the culture and tradition of India:

“By nature women are soft-hearted, kind, tolerant, and affectionate. The human brain has basically two aspects: the logical and analytical aspect, and the emotive, affectionate side. The general tendency is that men are more logical and women more affectionate. God has designed women like this so they will be able to care for their children.

“The father only gives the seed, but the mother has to carry, nurture, and raise the child. If women were ruled strictly by logic, they would not be able to perform that tremendous task properly. They would think, ‘What is the use of carrying this burden? What will I gain from this for myself?’ and probably decide not to have children. Thus women are naturally ruled more by affection so they can tolerate the burden of child rearing. The word ‘mother’ signifies loving sentiment. It is a very difficult task for a man to raise children because they generally do not possess this deeply affectionate nature.”

October 10, 2000

Govardhana I asked an Indian

Govardhana

I asked an Indian sadhu why only Westerners come to his lectures. He said that people in India, by psychology, are rarely able to afford luxury and that spiritual life now has become a luxury. That's why Indians living in India no longer make so many contributions anymore to science, sports, philosophy, etc.

Bhurijana arrived today. I met with him briefly in the evening and hope to get more of his association. Srila Prabhupada has trained many intelligent men and, as they get older, they will give tremendous strength to the Krishna consciousness movement. He talked about the possibility of returning to Vrindaban in two years to live humbly and just speak the Bhagavatam. I felt like joining him. Bhurijana's simplicity, detachment, and wisdom makes an impression, although he is unassuming. Srila Prabhupada said, "Don't try to become a great devotee, just become a good devotee."

I asked him why he is no longer taking disciples. He said that although he lectures systematically on Bhagavatam three times a week in the evening at the Perth temple, where many people are coming and becoming devotees, they don't realize that he is guru because he lives at home and takes care of his family. They think he is more like a congregation member and that a guru is someone in saffron who just flies into the temple a few days a year. I told him that he is lucky that he is preaching in Australia because he would never get away with that in New York.

He was interested in my meetings with Varsana Maharaja. We both agreed that he is a special sadhu and has the heart of a devotee.

Jaya Gurupada, Bhurijana's son, came up to his room to visit him while I was there. Bhurijana wants to spend some more time with him here. He explained that a father has a mystical sakti with his son, and if he deals with him carefully, there is a very subtle transference of experience and wisdom. His son is twenty and will soon leave home to go out on his own so he wants to make sure that he spends quality time with him in Vrindaban.

Jaya Gurupada was in the gurukula for ten years, since he was five years old. He is a good person—secure in himself, but unique. Born at Gita-nagari, raised in Vrindaban, but now living in Australia and fully identifying himself as an Australian. Since Bhurijana is from America, I always playfully argue with Jaya Gurupada that the USA is so much better than Australia, and that he should therefore embrace his father's place of birth as his culture. He jokingly retorted today, "You mates have baseball, and although the championship is just among America teams you have the nerve to call it a World Series!" Good point.

October 11, 2000

I went to briefly talk

I went to briefly talk to Indrayumna Swami, who is spending several months in Vrindaban. It turned into a four-hour visit with preaching to new people, visits from older devotees, and a feast. In late March, I will arrange a two-week tour for him in the Northeast along with his assistant, Prahlada, and I will travel with them.

I asked Indradyumnna Swami why he was spending so much time now in Vrindaban. He said, “By preaching one gains a taste for bhajan, chanting and hearing about Krishna, so one should cultivate that.” He also said that bhajan naturally invokes in one a desire to preach.

October 12, 2000

Vrindaban/Govardhana Hectic day. Moved to

Vrindaban/Govardhana

Hectic day. Moved to Govardhana for the month of Kartik. Bhurijana Prabhu also came, but only for the day, as he leaves for Australia in a few days. We bathed in Radha-kunda on the way.

Settled into my room. I have a full darshan of Giri-Govardhana from my room. Breath-taking view!

Bhurijana Prabhu talked about the necessity for compassion to advance in Krishna consciousness. He described how one can invoke compassion in one's heart by recalling and meditating on the religious, or nectarean experiences one has had in Krishna consciousness.

Compassionate means that one is unable bear the distress of others. Unless we deeply value Krishna consciousness, how can we feel compassion for those who have forgotten God? How can we realize that the greatest pain is to be bereft of Krishna consciousness?

October 13, 2000

Govardhana First day of Kartik.

Govardhana

First day of Kartik. I am quite busy with my kartik-vrata, so there is not so much time to make entries in the journal. Walked to Radha-kunda in the late morning. Govardhana is very conducive to spiritual life—much more than even Vrindaban. Govardhana is also becoming covered by materialism, but it is still more like the Vrindaban I saw when I first came here, twenty-six years ago—more rural and much less commercial. Perhaps Vrindaban will gradually be covered by materialism and we will have to take shelter of Sridham Mayapur. I'm expecting that even in my lifetime.

Sad news from Mother Srimati, our Ekachakra-dhama guide and teacher, whom I met with yesterday in Vrindaban. She was lamenting that the road in Ekachakra has been paved with asphalt and that electricity has finally been brought to the village. Those who have visited previously should keep the cherished memories of a pristine Ekachakra-dhama in their heart because it will never be the same.

I am busy all day chanting, hearing, and writing. The soul is satisfied by devotional activities. Why don't I keep this schedule all year?

Lokisaranga Maharaja paid a surprise visit at ten o'clock. He saw Waves of Devotion in the box of books that I brought with me to Govardhana while my rikshaw was parked in Radha-kunda. I stopped there on the way to Govardhana. He surmised where I was and decided to visit me that day.

Loki, as he is known affectionately by his friends, is an Italian Godbrother from the Bronx, but with his dark complexion, Smith Brothers beard, hooked nose, thin frame, and renounced and gentle disposition it is impossible to distinguish him from any Indian-born sadhu. For several years he has lived in a small house on the outskirts of Radha-kunda donated by a friend, but he still remains very reverential to the dhama. In fact, he won't even bathe in Radha-kunda!

One could expect a staunch sannyasi follower of Srila Prabhupada to preach at least some of the time, not reside permanently in Radha-kunda. Loki, however, is very faithful and respectful to Srila Prabhupada, his devotees, and his mission. The simple fact is that his attributes and disposition are just not very suited to that of a traveling preacher. They are, however, very much suited for ksetra-sannyasa—sannyasa in the dhama. Loki is very simple, humble, and very naturally renounced. In fact, he even lived for some years as a devotee in the Himalayas. Being a sadhu in Vrindaban is therefore a suitable offering for him in service to Srila Prabhupada. I certainly appreciate his association .His short visit was very pleasant.

October 14, 2000

Govardhana Second day of vrata.

Govardhana

Second day of vrata. In Kartik one should do nitya-seva, simple and regulated service. Perhaps now the journal will become boring, because my life has become very simplified—the same exact thing every day. Internally, however, Kartik should be exciting. I am just settling into the rigors of chanting, but with steadiness the realizations will come.

Ravindra Svarupa Prabhu is residing in Govardhana for Kartik and he is observing a strict vrata. He organized a sat-sanga tonight to exchange our realizations. Jayadvaita Swami, Bhakti Vidya Swami, and myself joined him today. He told us jokingly, "We need some devotees who do nothing!" In other words, there is a need in ISKCON for at least some devotees, for some time, to concentrate on deepening their devotion by concentrated chanting and hearing. We read from Giriraja Swami's new book Watering the Seed, which includes many enlightening anecdotes about Srila Prabhupada. We read a short vignette where Srila Prabhupda stresses that chanting Hare Krishna is the most important order of the spiritual master.

I also provided supporting evidence from the Bhagvatam in the life of Narada Muni:

“The whole idea is that simply by hearing the Lord's pastimes one can become one of the associates of the Lord. One can attain the highest perfection of life simply by attentive hearing of the transcendental pastimes of the Lord from the right sources, as Sri Narada heard them from the pure devotees (bhakti-vedantas) in his previous life. The process of hearing in the association of devotees is especially recommended in this age of quarrel (Kali)." (Bhag. 1.5.26, purport)

October 15, 2000

Govardhana I appreciate good philosophy.

Govardhana

I appreciate good philosophy. I read today from Jaiva Dharma by Bhaktivinoda Thakur:

"The eternal nature of a vastu, or truly abiding object, is it eternal dharma. Nature arises from the elementary structure of an object (ghatana). By the desire of Krishna, when an object is formed, a particular nature is built into that structure as an eternal concomitant factor. It is this nature which is the eternal dharma of an object.

"When by force of circumstances or due to contact with other objects, a change takes place in a given object—its nature becomes altered or distorted. With the passage of time this distorted nature becomes fixed and thus takes the appearance of permanence, as if it were the eternal nature of that object. This distorted nature is not the true nature, or svabhava; it is called nisarga, that nature which is acquired through long-term association. Occupying the place of the factual nature, this nisarga identifies itself as the true nature, or svabhava.

"Water, as an example, is an object and liquidity is its svabhava. When, under certain circumstances, water solidifies and becomes ice, the acquired nature of hardness acts in place of its substantial nature. In reality the acquired nature is not eternal; it is occasional and temporary. It arises due to some cause; and, when that cause is no longer effective, it vanishes automatically. However, the svabhava, is eternal. Although it may become distorted, it remains inseparablyconnected to its object. When the proper time and circumstances arise, the true nature can certainly be established." (Jaiva Dharma, Ch. 1, p.8, Gaudiya Vedanta Publications)

October 16, 2000

Govardhana Received a letter that

Govardhana

Received a letter that mentioned how one of the disciples was prospering in spiritual life, although he had not always done well. I felt very encouraged.

October 18, 2000

Govardhana About five years ago

Govardhana

About five years ago an old sadhu told me that after years of practice the mind could become one's humble servant. It was said with conviction. Imagine, in the morning, having our distracted minds humbly obeying our order to just focus on the Holy Name without diversion.

Besides its mystical potency, the dhama, like every place, carries the vibration and mood of the people who reside there. It also carries the vibration and mood of the environment that it's residents construct according to their modes. Unfortunately, the dhama is now being covered by materialism. Vrindaban is now even filled with cyber cafes, although they are quite primitive by modern standards. Even still, although the dhamas are now somewhat externally vibrating with materialism, the potency of the dhama cannot be denied—especially if one approaches the dhama with the determination to live there for the pleasure of Hari.

Fortunately, Govardhana is still just a simple village. The vibration there is very powerful from the pure sadhus and Krishna's best servant (Haridas-varya), Giri-Govardhana. If one enters Govardhana with some determination for spiritual life, the mind becomes subdued and the holy name becomes much easier to hear. I chanted today with faith and concentration.

Absorption in the holy name touches the heart and one's vision becomes clear. Unfortunately, that means that one also sees oneself. I saw my selfishness. Even writing this journal seems somewhat self-serving. Ceto darpana marjanam—chanting cleans the heart. The attic is being swept and the dirt is coming out.

Fear is also there. I fear becoming a servant. I am attached to a world that grossly and subtly moves for my comforts and pleasures, not the satisfaction of God. These attachments are deep-rooted and I don't want to surrender. Good chanting always comes to the point of facing one's lack of surrender. The choice is then given: Continue with determination, purify yourself, go further and surrender, or slacken up and stay where you are. The anchor of attachment has to be pulled up, but it takes sincerity, it's takes courage, and it takes strength.

The heart is churning. Hope arises for Krishna's mercy. At least I am not bored by nama-seva.

I think I realized today what Bhurijana Prabhu was explaining just the other day about the relationship between realizing the bliss of Krishna consciousness and becoming compassionate. We had another sat-sanga in Ravindra Svarupa Prabhu's room. The discussion was about the nature of Govardhana, but we also discussed how the dhama becomes covered. That led to a discussion about how materialism was rampant.

With the expanding development of information technology, the world is becoming more and more opposed to spiritual life. It has thus become, in many ways, more difficult for devotees to become Krishna conscious than even ten years before. It has become increasingly difficult for people to maintain basic mental health—what to speak of Krishna consciousness. Jayadvaita Swami mentioned how Mrgesh, his assistant for the month who works for one of the biggest chemical (drug) companies, told him that the industry is shifting in a big way to an emphasis on the development of antidepressants. Suddenly I began to remember my last eight months in America, and how I counseled at least five devotees with the initial symptoms of a nervous breakdown and several others with clinical depression. I became disturbed and felt deeply for these devotees. It was a markedly strong emotion, compassion. Govardhana has made spiritual life such a positive reality. I strongly desire to give it to others because spiritual life can pacify the mind and satisfy the heart.

I sometimes worry about my disciples. That is the karma ones gets for taking disciples.

The good old days in Vrindaban meant you were cut off from the rest of the world. I remember when Satsvarupa Maharaja used to visit us in Vrindaban in the late ‘70s. He would very much appreciate that there were no phones in Vrindaban and that being in Vrindaban completely isolated you from the world. To us today, such a place may seem even hellish. What is night for the conditioned soul is the time of awakening for the introspective sage.

I am doing my deity seva very carefully for Kartik. No short cuts, but conscientiousness and cleanliness—no succumbing to passion, distraction, ignorance, or laziness. Such worship gives taste in Krishna consciousness. Attentive spiritual life brings bhakti because it is meditation on Krishna. From meditation comes attachment for the object of meditation. That attachment is bhakti and bhakti is pleasure.

October 19, 2000

As real culture has broken

As real culture has broken down people are losing the ability to relate with others properly and are thus starved for loving relationships. People are thus more insecure, neurotic, and depressed. We need a proper culture.

I woke up early and tried my hardest to focus, but the name would not
come easy. Possible reasons:

  • I indirectly criticized a Vaishnava yesterday and Krishna withdrew His mercy.
  • Krishna is independent. I fell under the illusion that the process of chanting is mechanical, that the Lord will appear on my tongue by my effort and power alone. Krishna withdrew His mercy to teach me dependence on His mercy.
My realization reminded me in some ways of the story of Dhruva Maharaja. By his determined spiritual practice he gained the direct darshan of Krishna, but then Krishna suddenly disappeared. When he tried again to gain the Lord's darshan by the same process and determination, he failed because the process of Krishna consciousness is not mechanical. Srila Prabhupada analyzes this point brilliantly in his purport to Dhruva's Maharaja's failed second attempt at directly seeing the Lord.

“When He pleases, being satisfied with the sincere attempt of devotional service depending completely on the mercy of the Lord, then He may be seen out of his own accord.” (Bhag. 1.6.20)

When you increase your chanting, your taste for chanting increases, which increases one's concentration, which makes one's chanting even more attractive. Illusion also has a snowball effect. When one associates with lower modes, spiritual life becomes more difficult, which makes one more susceptible to the modes of nature, which makes chanting more difficult.

October 20, 2000

Govardhana I received a message

Govardhana

I received a message today from an old friend that upset me. In fact, my mind seemed to dwell on this for much of the day. I recalled something from Narottama dasa Thakur's famous verse—that when one's mind is full of anxieties, one cannot see Vrindaban. To maintain Vrindaban consciousness I finally just walked to Govinda-kunda to bathe.

I thought about what upset me:

  • Good relationships—whether it is friend, servant, parent, or lover—mean mutual commitment and service. When one gives oneself to another it is disappointing when the other party does not reciprocate properly, or at all.
  • I am disturbed when Krishna moves things against my plans.
  • Chanting brings purification. Purification means giving up attachments. Krishna is reciprocating my chanting by an arrangement to purify me of my attachments.

October 21, 2000

Govardhana Preliminary stages of chanting:Fix

Govardhana

Preliminary stages of chanting:

  • Fix a time and place for the holy name.
  • Focus the mind on the holy name.
  • Search the heart and pinpoint our present level of spiritual desire.
  • Nourish that desire by determination and prayer.
Even if we have no bhakti, we can pray for bhakti, and that's bhakti. Some spiritual desire, according to our level of realization, must accompany our chanting. If it doesn't, our chanting can become simply mechanical. The first level of chanting is accompanied by at least the desire and prayer to control our mind and free it from the distraction of material desire.

I am eating much less and realize that as I am older and less active I need very little to keep the body and soul together. Two small practices can give one an immediate boost in spiritual life: Eating properly and rising early.

An English devotee visiting Govardhana today from Vrindaban told me about a sadhu from Orissa, Fakir Mohan, who is staying in the house next to my place in Vrindaban. Fakir Mohan was a friend of Srila Gaura Govinda Swami. He will stay in Vrindaban for three weeks and speak on the Bhagavatam everyday. I was also told that for the last three years he has been lecturing on just the fourth verse of the Catur-Sloki Bhagavatam to some ISKCON devotees in Orrisa who live near him, but stressing nama-kirtan. I was surprised when I heard that he even gave Srimad Bhagavatam class at Krishna Balarama Mandir for two days. I am eager to meet him and sent a message to his assistant that I would like to visit him and hear him speak and that I will therefore visit Vrindaban in a few days. I hanker for sadhu-sanga.

October 22, 2000

Govardhana - Ekadasi Yesterday I

Govardhana - Ekadasi

Yesterday I was feeling discouraged and hopeless because my concentration was not deep, although I was trying. I felt that I would never become a devotee. Today chanting, however, came easy. Sometimes Krishna encourages one in this way. It is undeserved kindness.

Devamrita Swami came to visit me. Devamrita Swami is from New York and joined in Henry Street after graduating from Yale. He has a rare vitality and vision for preaching. He is making many devotees in New Zealand and I was impressed with the dynamics of his vision. I have heard of his preaching as he sometimes comes to meet Bhurijan Prabhu in Perth and Bhurijan told me about it.

Maharaja opens up independent urban preaching centers where he devises and implements a multitude of programs to interest several different types of people. He has yoga classes, a cutting edge lecture series, and book distribution. He creates a dynamic culture in his centers so that once people visit, they become attracted. Part of that culture is developing camaraderie among the people centered on studying and distributing Srila Prabhupada's books. His method of book distribution, however, is thoughtful. He stresses developing relationships with the people so that they read the books, maintain some sort of contact, and hopefully visit the center. He told me that a big book distributor in his program is, therefore, someone who just meets a few people a day and not only sells them a book but has such an impression on them that they eventually visit the center. By organizing book distribution in his way everyone connected with the center can easily participate in the mission. It makes sense.

I wrote a quick list today of how bhakti comes into the heart. It is a first draft and subject to discussion and revision.

  • The process is sadhana-bhakti, the conscious utilization of the senses in Krishna's service for the purpose of awakening devotion in the heart.
  • The essence of sadhana-bhakti is to remember Krishna and never forget Him.
  • The acarya finds the best ways and means for the people to do so among the nine basic practices of devotional service.
  • The best way to remember Krishna is to chant His holy names, although proper execution of any of the nine activities of devotional service can invoke full remembrance of Krishna.

  • Lord Caitanya specifically recommended nama-sankirtan as the best means of becoming Krishna conscious.
  • Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Saraswati and Srila Prabhupada emphasized dedicating oneself to distributing the holy name as the best way for us to remain absorbed in chanting and hearing about Krishna.
  • If one does not have the taste to remain fixed in chanting and hearing about Krishna, service to the great souls will give one an affinity for hearing about Krishna.
  • Although chanting is the best way to remember Krishna, unless one has the mercy of the Lord and a service attitude one cannot chant with concentration and devotion. Therefore to do nama-sankirtan properly it is essential to fullysurrender to a bona fide spiritual master.
  • If done properly, there is no dichotomy between chanting and hearing about Krishna and serving the mission of the spiritual master, which includes sadhana-bhakti.

October 24, 2000

Govardhana suditasrita-janarti-rasye ramya-cid-ghana sukha-svarupine nama

Govardhana

suditasrita-janarti-rasye ramya-cid-ghana sukha-svarupine nama
gokula-mahotsavaya te krsna purna-vapuse namo namah

“O Hari-nama! O Krsna! You destroy the miseries of those who take Your shelter. For your devotees You are very charming and delightful. Your form is the personification of knowledge and bliss, and therefore you are a festival for the residents of Gokula. I bow down again and again before You,whose form is fully spiritual like Vaikuntha.”—Rupa Goswami's Namastaka (7)

Indrayumna Swami excitedly came to my room to tell me that one very nice sadhu named Fakir Mohan and a few of his associates are requesting to stay for the night in our ashram so that they may leave early in the morning for Govardhana parikrama. It was the same sadhu I had heard about three days ago! I immediately went to greet him.

Fakir Mohan was standing on the round marble veranda protruding over the inside courtyard, which is directly outside the small temple room on the roof. Our ashram devotees naturally surrounded him, as many of them were also Orissan and already had some acquaintance with him.

Fakir Mohan made a strong first impression on me—not by the force of a strong personality, but by his very unassuming and humble nature. He was about Srila Prabhupada's size, near 70 years of age, toothless, unshaven (for kartik), and wearing a simple hand washed white dhoti and kurta. He was, however, very jovial, bubbling with a devotional fervor and laughter that reminded me of the sincere enthusiasm of Srila Prabhupada's godbrother Krishna dasa Babaji.

I was introduced to him by his assistant Madhavananda dasa: "This is Dhanurdhara Swami, the Maharaja who sent a message that he was coming to Vrindaban to see you." Fakir Mohan spontaneously responded with enthusiasm and respect. "Maharaja! Maharaja!" he said with gusto. To my embarrassment he paid dandavat-pranams (full obeisances), then stood up, a little bent at the waist and with folded palms—a classical pose of respect indicating that this body and these hands are for your service. We exchanged pleasant words until he and his party were called for prasadam. I thought, "Today I met a very nice Vaishnava sadhu.”

October 25, 2000

Govardhana I found out early

Govardhana

I found out early this morning that Fakir Mohan was asked to give class. I adjusted my schedule so I could attend his class but, still, I arrived a few minutes late. A seat was saved for me next to Indradyumna in front of the speaker. He soon handed me the following note:

"His plan was to go on parikrama at 3AM, but I asked him to give class and he immediately agreed. Madhavananda mildly objected and he chastised him! Maybe if we beg him he'll stay for 2 or 3 days. He's so humble I think most people can't recognize him. Srila Prabhupada said that we can understand a person’s position by how they speak. What do you think?"

I was very inspired by his class. He would read a few sentences at a time from Srila Prabhupada's purport and then explain the point in a very animated, but practical way. He would then quote a verse to demonstrate his point. When he did, he would spontaneously break into a song with zeal, Orrissan style, accompanied by mrdanga. He has a very powerful and melodic voice, louder than a microphone could amplify, but I was most touched by his devotion. He gave heart and soul to each word. "Radha Krishna Bol Bol Bolo Re Sobhai!" he sang with fervor several times. Every verse, even Bhagavad-gita, was sung in this way during the class.

Some remembrances from class (I didn't take notes): Nama (the holy name) will do everything; nama will give everything. Give nama to guru, not money. The guru wants your faith in Krishna, which can be best given by offering the holy name in sacrifice—yajnaih sankirtan prayair.

When one does nama-seva he will not stop practical devotional service. Rather, it will be done spontaneously and nicely—not forced, like Jagai and Madhai who got prema-bhakti from Lord Caitanya and then, with their own hands, constructed a ghat for the pilgrims and cleaned it everyday.

He sometimes serves an old Vaishnava saint in his nineties from Orissa named Haridas Sena. One of Haridas's associates joked to him, "Why don't you take Fakir Mohan as a disciple?" Haridas replied, "But will he jump in the ganga"—indicating that a real disciple must have faith and be surrendered. He humbly mentioned that he is unable to do seva now because of old age, meaning that because he is so old, no one will allow him to serve them.

October 26, 2000

Govardhana Fakir Mohan gave class

Govardhana

Fakir Mohan gave class again. Before class he paid dandavats to each and every sannyasi and, when they returned his obeisances, he affectionately and softly grasped their hands humbly, almost crying, "Bless me, I know nothing!"

I again did not take notes, but one point stuck in my mind: He gave an analogy comparing a guru to a cow, milk to the knowledge he gives, and a proper disciple to her affectionate calf. His point was that unless the guru sees the disciple with affection, like a respectful son or daughter, knowledge does not naturally flow, just like a cow cannot be milked unless it sees its affectionate calf. Still, to get milk, something else is needed—grass. Harinama is the grass. Even if one hears from the guru, unless he offers harinama, knowledge will not manifest.

Went on parikrama to Radha-kunda with Indradyumna and Fakir Mohan. Fakir Mohan sang bhajans the whole way and also translated them to English. He mostly sung the songs of an Orissan Vaishnava, Devakinanda dasa, that expressed his mood:

vrndavana-basi jata vaisnavera gana Prathame vandana kari sabara carana

First I offer my obeisances at the lotus feet of the dear devotees of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu residing in Vrindavan. Falling flat on the ground at their lotus feet, I offer my obeisances to the associates of Mahaprabhu residing in Sri Nilacala, Jagannath Puri Dhama. I offer my obeisances at the lotus feet of one and all of the dear devotees of Mahaprabhu residing in Nabadwip.

nilacala-basi jata mahaprabhura gana Bhumite padiya vandan sabara carana

I offer my obeisances unto the lotus feet of all the dear devotees of Mahaprabhu residing in Gaudadesh. Gauranga Mahaprabhu's dear devotees may be residing in any corner of the world. Wherever they reside I offer my obeisances unto their lotus feet. I offer my obeisances unto the lotus feet of all those persons who will become Mahaprabhu's dear devotees in the future. Catching straw in my teeth, I offer obeisances at their lotus feet.

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October 27, 2000

Govardhana The brijabasis celebrate Govardhan-puja

Govardhana

The brijabasis celebrate Govardhan-puja today, but the ISKCON calendar lists Govardhana-puja for tomorrow. It feels awkward celebrating major festivals in Vrindaban on different days than everyone else here. It would be much simpler to just celebrate when everyone else does. Narayana Maharaja's Vraja Mandala parikrama party is staying next door to us at the Modi Bhavan, a large and scenic dharmasala (hostel) complex built and managed by the prominent Indian industrialist, Kedaranatha Modi. They are holding their Govardhana-puja today directly across from where they are staying, at the foot of Govardhana Hill.

Their festival is a very colorful. Hundreds of well-prepared bhoga preparations are brought for offering to the base of the hill in small decorated wicker baskets, held mostly on the heads of their lady pilgrims. First, however, they hold a large spontaneous abhisheka. Last year I was nearly trampled by a stampede of spontaneous devotion from hundreds of Punjabi lady Vaishnavas eager to bathe the one large stone on Govardhana that the Kesava Gaudiya Math establishes as their focus of worship today.

I went with Indradyumna Swami to offer our respects. Although we stood humbly behind hundreds of pilgrims, we were spotted and invited to bathe Giri-Govardhana first with their other sannyasis.

Since most of the pilgrims were at one time in ISKCON, I knew many of them, and many came to affectionately greet me. There was also an element whose mood was very cold and unwelcoming. Once a group gets big, it becomes very difficult for many of its members to represent its original ideals. I understand this, but I am exhausted with sectarianism and want to stay clear of it, wherever it is. I did not return for the feast.

I read something on the self-destruction of movements that Ravindra Svarupa Prabhu gave me today. It's food for thought:

“I have had with my friend Wes Jackson a number of useful conversations about the necessity of getting out of movements—even movements that have seemed necessary and dear to us—when they have lapsed into self-righteousness and self-betrayal, as movements seem almost invariably to do. People in movements too readily learn to deny others the rights and privileges they demand for themselves. They too easily become unable to mean their own language, as when a ‘peace movement’ becomes violent. They often become too specialized, as if finally they cannot help taking refuge in the pinhole vision of intellectuals. They almost always fail to be radical enough, dealing finally in effects rather than causes. Or they deal with single issues or single solutions, as if to assure themselves that they will not be radical enough."
—In Distrust of Movements, Wendell Berry

One devotee asked me if Fakir Mohan is bona fide and how he got such a strange name. I asked his assistant, Madhavananda, and he told me some of Fakir Mohan's history.

As a young boy in Orissa, barely 14 years of age, Fakir Mohan, became very attracted to the songs of Bhaktivinoda Thakur and left home to join the Gaudiya Math, never to return home again. As he was a very intelligent young boy, the acarya in that Gaudiya Math—I don't remember his name—surprisingly sent him back to school. After completing college, he returned to the Math, but when his guru saw how well he did in school, he ordered him to return to school, get his PhD, and to become a teacher. Following his guru's order, he became a professor of Sanskrit, went to classes in full Vaishnava dress wearing tilak, taught Krishna consciousness through his subjects, and beyond the bare necessities of life, used his earnings for missionary activities—especially the publication of books he wrote himself on Gaudiya Vaishnavism in Orissa. All this time, he remained a naisthika brahmacari, a strict celibate, for his entire life.

Fakir is an Urdu name for a Muslim mendicant, but it has become a generic name in Orissa, even for Hindus. Hundreds of years ago there was a Vaishnava saint named Fakir Mohan, and Madhavananda thinks that Fakir Mohan's guru named him after that saint.

Is he bona fide? I listened carefully to everything he spoke so far and it seemed very supportive of Srila Prabhupada’s teachings. He has the qualities of an advanced Vaishnava, and even the more conservative ISKCON devotees at the Krishna Balaram Mandir seem to respect him. He is not initiated directly by Srila Prabhupada, so there might be some differences on some things—hopefully minor, I don't know. If I hear anything different, then I will, of course, follow the authority of Srila Prabhupada, but that doesn't mean there cannot be elevated souls that are not in direct line with Srila Prabhupada. Certainly, Srila
Prabhupada didn't think that way.

October 28, 2000

Govardhana - Govardhana-puja nirupadhi-karunena sri-saci-nandanena

Govardhana - Govardhana-puja

nirupadhi-karunena sri-saci-nandanena tvayi kapati-satho'pi tvat-priyenarpito'smi iti khalu mama yogyayogyatam tamagrhnan nija nikata-nivasam dehi goverdhan tvam

"O Govardhana! Although I am a cheater and a rogue, the greatly merciful Sri Sacinandana Krsna Caitanya, who is most dear to you, has offered me unto You (so You are therefore obliged to accept me). Without considering whether I am qualified or unqualified, please bestow upon me a residence near Your side." —Verse 10, Sri Govardhana-Vasa-Prarthana-Dasakam by Sri Raghuntha das Goswami

Rose early to chant. I concentrated on an important realization about chanting that Partha Sarathi Prabhu shared with me last year. He said that to advance in bhakti we must get the mercy of the great souls past and present. The conduit for that mercy is our attachment to those great souls. Attachment to the great souls comes from the service, worship, and glorification of them. We should, therefore, pray to the saints in our guru’s parampara and the eternal associates of the Lord before chanting. One should especially pray for the mercy of one's spiritual master.

My chanting begins with prayers to Srila Prabhupada. At least initially, I chant with deliberate consciousness of his kindness toward me, of my dependence on his mercy, and of my relationship with him. There is not a better darshan of Giri-Govardhana than the one through the window of my room here while sitting on my bed. The tall neem trees in our courtyard thirty feet from our veranda perfectly frame the most verdant and lofty section of Govardhana Parvat (mountain). Near the bottom of that frame, through the ornate spiked fence on top of the stonewall surrounding our ashram, I see a steady march of colorful pilgrims, frequently in groups, often chanting responsively—radhe rahde shyam milate! It makes me think that, this year, there is probably no need to build a Giriraja out of prasadam to honor my Giriraja Maharaja as I do in most places of the world when I celebrate Govardhana-puja.

The ashram does, however, offer a beautiful abhiseka and sumptuous annukut festival on the foothill of Giri-Govardhana across from our ashram. Indradyumna Swami expertly leads kirtana for hours. The devotees are in the spiritual world, but now realize it. It was that nice.

My personal worship for Giriraj Maharaja was simple this year, but very sweet. My godbrother, Satyanarayana, bought sweets at the famous Giriraja Misthan Bandar (sweet shop) and some fruits for my personal puja. Satyanarayan is the godbrother who supervised the printing of my book. We have a good friendship and we enjoyed serving my Deities together.

It's been a long day, but I cannot forget Govinda Hari. Govinda Hari is my worshipful Govardhana sila who sits as a five-foot elongated boulder at the base of Govardhana Hill, near the sacred Govinda-kunda. It is 5 o'clock in the evening, but I go on bicycle ride with Krishna Kripa from Houston to bathe and clean him with the sacred waters of Govinda-kunda. We happily chant nija nikata nivasam goverdhan tvam, begging Giri-Govardhana for eternal residence there. It was a short bike ride and a simple worship, but the heart feels cleanse and satisfied.

On the way back to our ashram I see Gaura-Narayana and the other brahmacaris from our ashram walking toward us on Govardhana parikrama. They are incredible souls—especially Gaura Narayana and his assistant, Asita: They have already worked day and night for two days preparing the festival and then worked all day today organizing it, and yet what do they do when they finish? A full parikrama of Govardhana Hill at 6 in the evening!

"How fortunate they are," I thought as I was whizzing by them on my new green bicycle towards the ashram, "that this is their concept of recreation."

October 29, 2000

Govardhana adharam madhuram vadanam madhuram

Govardhana

adharam madhuram vadanam madhuram nayanam madhuram hastitam madhuram hrdayam madhuram gamanam madhuram madhuradhi pater akhilam madhuram

“His lips are sweet, His face is sweet, His eyes are sweet, His smile is sweet, His heart is sweet, His gait is sweet. Everything is sweet about the Emperor of Sweetness!”

Bhinatvam nama maminoh. Krishna and His name are nondifferent. The holy name is therefore a very sweet person. We have a loving relationship with that sweet person who is unlimitedly kind to us. Chanting in that mood invokes the sentiment and devotion that maintains dynamism in chanting.

Hundreds of devotees siege the ashram throughout the day, at different times, for Govardhana parikrama. It is nice to see His Holiness Bhakti Caru Maharja and His Holiness Gopal Krishna Maharaja. The atmosphere at Bhaktivedanta Sadhana Ashram (our ashram) is sublime, but with so many people coming, it is also a bit distracting. My rounds suffer and there is not much time for reading.

Good news! I left five of my books at Rasabihari Lal's, the bookstore at Loi Bazaar, and all are sold in two days. I need to find a way to get more of these books to India.

We should be careful about associating with the local residents of Vrindaban. Real brijabasis have svabhavika-bhakti, natural love for Krishna, but externally they may even lead ordinary lives. They are difficult to understand and dealing with them can be confusing. There are, however, a few simple hearted brijabasis that I got to know and love in the course in living in Vrindaban for more than twenty years. At Bhaktivedanta Ashram all the devotees have deep affection for Nanuram. Nanuram is a relatively tall, aging-but-ageless—is he 50 or 75?—simple-hearted Govardhana-basi (resident of Govardhana) who visits the ashram regularly at prasadam time. When asked for his age, his reply is always the same: “Younger than you.” When pressed further, he sincerely says he has to ask his mother. Nanu means child. His mother still calls him Nanu, so he feels young.

He often goes to Kesava Bharati's room for animated conversations that sometimes last almost half an hour. There are lots of joking and other affectionate exchanges. The amazing thing is that Nanuram only speaks and understands the local vernacular, brajabhasa, and Kesava Bharati doesn't understand a word of it. This has been going on for two years. Nanurama has yet to figure out that Kesava Bharati doesn't understand what he is saying, but they still seem to bond. It's an amazing thing to watch. All I can figure out is that they are both so much from the heart that despite a lack of verbal communication they still achieve a high level of mutual understanding.

Unfortunately, Nanuram's wife died and left him no children and he has to take care of his old and sickly mother. Nanuram, however, seems to have no worries—or at least there are no overt symptoms of anxiety. He does Govardhana parikrama everyday as far as he needs to go to be invited for prasadam. He generally eats at several places a day. He is on the thin side, but his face is bright with color—the emblem of health.

The custom for rich men visiting Govardhana is to feed the brahmanas and sadhus living in the dhama and give them a small donation for coming. Nanuram has been known to take a full feast at one place, and two hours later, at the next feast, eat three kilos of rabri (cooked down milk with sugar). He remains, however, after a small nap on his left side, energetic and hungry. I have seen this personally during the feast days at our ashram.

Govardhana is the place where Krishna ate unlimited foodstuffs while simultaneously retaining a voracious hunger. It seems a benediction must have even been passed down to the residents of Govardhana. Nanuram now also comes to talk to me. I enjoy it, although I can't understand a word he says.

October 30, 2000

Govardhana I thought about the

Govardhana

I thought about the relationship between my nama-vrata and preaching Krishna consciousness. It is clear to me that if I want to give Krishna consciousness, I must have Krishna consciousness, and the process is chanting the holy name. The best way for me to accomplish that is to focus my attention on the holy name in a holy place. If, in preaching Krishna consciousness, one only gives the mission or surrender to the mission, but neglects to inculcate a taste for Krishna consciousness in others—and especially that for nama-kirtana—one may miss actually giving others the true mission of Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu. In other words, we should not only bring others into the mission for the sake of spreading it, but for the sake of actually becoming Krishna conscious ourselves. I looked at the sadhu again and heard, "Baba!" I couldn't exactly hear what he was saying, but I understood him clearly. Language obviously isn't the only means of communication.  "What are you so afraid of. Don't you realize that Krishna is in everyone's heart?"

As I walked up to the top of the ghat and turned right to walk around the corner to my rikshaw, I looked back. The sadhu was still laughing and flapping his right hand. I also began to laugh and enjoyed the fun of exchanging a kind of laughing ecstasy (hasya-rasa) with him. We maintained eye contact and our mutual laughter until I eventually drifted out of sight. By Krishna's mercy, I had entered the dhama.

About October 2000

This page contains all entries posted to Waves of Devotion | Journals in October 2000. They are listed from oldest to newest.

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