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November 2000 Archives

November 2, 2000

Govardhana Went to Vrindaban for

Govardhana

Went to Vrindaban for the day for a few needed errands. The driver was passionate and half-mad. His association was disturbing.

Staying in a secluded place, regulating one's life, and associating with the holy name elevates ones modes quickly. I felt very peaceful and pensive and determined not to become infected by the passion of the day. The main business of a brahmana in the days of yore was the cultivation of goodness. I was also feeling protective of my carefully cultivated mode over the past few weeks. You cannot be happy to sit and chant for long periods of time if one is too influenced by passion (distraction) and ignorance (sleep). As I watched our madly honking and swerving driver I could understand clearly why the brahmanas were so careful with what they ate and whom they associated with.

“Dhire! Dhire!” [Hindi for slow down] I tell the driver. He ignores me. “Dhire! Dhire!” I raise my voice. He ignores me. “DHIRE! DHIRE!” I shout at the driver. He angrily mumbles something back. I'm ready to kill him (figuratively), but continue my chanting—no longer peaceful, no longer attentive.

Three hours in Vrindaban: I met with Partha Sarathi Prabhu, who is staying in my room, and had a deep discussion with him; heard Fakir Mohan speak next door; exchanged jokes with Dadu; greeted Kurma Rupa; checked the sale of my book at Rasabihari Lal’s; picked up two sets of clothes at Ganga Prasad’s; accepted an invitation for a sumptuous Bengali gourmet lunch with Bhakti Vidya Purna Maharaja, cooked by his disciple; rasa with Balaram Baba; and a warm greeting from my close friend Udayaram—the old sadhu who keeps the neighborhood free of monkeys with his slingshot. I also met Mother Sacideva, Mani Mayi, Sunita, and others as I rush madly from one place to another so that I may quickly return to Govardhana.

November 3, 2000

Govardhana “One should chant the

Govardhana

“One should chant the holy name of the Lord in a humble state of mind, thinking oneself lower than the straw in the street, more humble than a blade of grass, more a tolerant than a tree, devoid of all sense of false prestige and ready to offer all respects to others.”

Once a disciple of Srila Prabhupada called him a Vaishnava. Srila Prabhupada humbly but emphatically said, “No! Vaishnava is not an easy thing!” He was teaching us that being a Vaishnava is not just an external thing—kunti-mala and tilaka—but a deep internalized conception that I am a servant of Krishna. It is difficult to become a Vaishnava, and I speak for myself, because it is everything we are not—not by our culture, not by our upbringing. A Vaishnava is the epitome of humility because he sees everyone as a servant of Krishna and thus becomes consciously focused on serving the desires and needs of others.

In Govardhana, I try to be self-sufficient, to take care of my own needs. Today as I was walking across the roof from the pujari room where I had just polished my own deity paraphernalia, I saw the brahmacaris in the courtyard looking up at me affectionately, but with disappointment. I could read their minds: “Why are you washing your own deity paraphernalia, Maharaja, when that is our service. Please, we can do it.” It was their heartfelt desire to serve. That is Vaishnava.

I shout down to them, “I can’t also do devotional service!?”

We should all pray to become Vaishnavas, to change our ego to that of a servant. We can start by becoming the servant of even one close friend, instead of maneuvering to Lord over them. I pray, O Gopal Giridhari, when will I become a Vaishnava!

Went to Jahnava Baithak at Radha-kunda at 10:30 AM to finish my nama-vrata until lunch. Two devotees from Philadephia come up to where I was chanting to pay respects and ask some very nice questions. They are staying for a couple months in Vrindaban and by coincidence are living in the ashram across from my house in Vrindaban. They heard I will be giving classes in my room later in the month and tell me to count on them coming every day without fail. They also spontaneously offer to cook lunch for me everyday, which is convenient. I am always enlivened with opportunities to preach in America while living in Vraja. Sisya means to take the mood of his guru, so although I like the sadhu lifestyle, I also have a spirit and heart for preaching, like my Guru Maharaja.

The devotees from Philadephia leave. I continue my chanting. Across the shore on the bank of Radha-kunda, two young ISKCON couples arrive. Early twenties,
obviously not married, obviously on a date. Radha-kunda is non different from Srimati Radharani—Her liquid prema. Even Krishna worships Radha-kunda. What are they doing? They have no idea where they are!

I was disgusted that dhoti, tilak, kunti-mala, and sikha are just being used as a fashion by some unscrupulous local devotees in order to feign spirituality so they can pick up somewhat naive foreign girls.

Srila Prabhupada said that those who disrespect Radha-kunda are not bathing in Radha-kunda, but Naraka-kunda. Naraka means hell. Aparadha literally means distance [apa] from Radha [radha]. Their so-called coming to Radha-kunda will simply distance them from Radha.

November 4, 2000

Govardhana narada-vinojjivana sudhormi-niryasa-madhuripura tvam krsna-nama

Govardhana

narada-vinojjivana sudhormi-niryasa-madhuripura tvam krsna-nama kamam sphura me rasane rasena sada

“O Krsna-nama! You infuse life in Narada Muni's vina, and the sweetness which flows from You is the personification of the essence of waves of nectar. Therefore, I pray that You always manifest on my tongue with transcendental rasa.” (Namastaka 8)

I am inspired here. I feel like I should make this month-long vrata a life's program. Now I am 50 years of age. It's time to get serious. Absorption in hearing and chanting elevates the consciousness. One becomes peaceful, and a small hankering for Krishna's service, bhakti, becomes a reality. Why live any other way? This doesn't mean stopping the preaching, but really preaching. It means giving up idleness and prajalpa and other obstacles to bhakti. It means to really absorb oneself in Srila Prabhupada's mission, to purify oneself and give Krishna consciousness to others. What else to I have to do by Krishna's grace? Otherwise, what is the meaning of sannyasa?

Increasing one's chanting does not reduce the amount of time one has for other things. It does, however:

  • create enthusiasm for spiritual life by making it more attractive and easier to do.
  • force one to use his time carefully.
  • help one to reduce one’s bodily necessities—eating and sleeping—by creating an enthusiasm for life, spiritual life.
  • force others to approach one seriously and to respect one’s time.
  • enable one to do his spiritual practices with concentration, efficiently and more quickly without sacrificing the quality of one’s practices.
With all that said, it would be difficult to maintain my vrata, because it is difficult to keep a rigorous vow for long periods of time before the mind becomes distracted or slackens. Once spiritual impetus is lost, a nama-vrata becomes a chore.

I am determined, however, to significantly increase my chanting and to maintain the schedule I have, with the exception of studying and writing during the day instead of chanting.

November 5, 2000

Govardhana The spiritual enlivenment of

Govardhana

The spiritual enlivenment of kartika in Govardhana awakens remembrances of ecstasy.

  • Chanting at the Henry Street temple in Brooklyn at my first Sunday feasts. No pleasure in this world could compare. I gave up everything to pursue the selfless pleasure of spiritual life.
  • Lord Caitanya's mercy the first time I went out on book distribution. The inundation of Lord's Caitanya's mercy was mystical. What was it? I became too busy as a teacher to continue and give it much time.
  • Kirtana procession to the Yamuna every afternoon for two years without fail when I first came to Vrindaban. The next morning at mangala-arati, I would immediately and enthusiastically begin jumping when the Deities would appear, still feeling the double purification of harinama and yamuna-snana.
  • A midnight bath in Radha-kunda on Bahulastami, Her appearance day. I was with Yasodananda Swami, Jagat Guru Swami, and Pradyumna. I witnessed our false egos wash away into small puddles next to us on the floor. That humility gave a taste for chanting—kirtinayah sada hari.
  • Kumbha-mela in 1988. Bathing at the Triveni [the confluence of the Ganga, Yamuna, and Sarasvati] at 3:30 in the morning, followed by mangal-arati with Lokantha Swami leading. As he sang, I was so convinced that nectar was flowing from the heavens that I would tilt my head to let it come more directly in my ears.
  • Nabadvipa Mandala Parikrama, 1994. Nine days in another world.
  • Kartika in Gita-nagari, 1995. Divine austerity and Radha-Damodara's mercy gives me a taste for the holy name.
  • Maha-yajna, New Ekachakra Dhama, April 2000. Relief, affection, and devotion flood the dhama as the gods stop the rain to bring sunshine and auspiciousness.
  • Kartika in Govardhana, 2000. Sleeping is considered dandavat-parikrama. Where else can one get such a boon in the ignorance of his day?

November 6, 2000

Govardhana “O Lord, although You

Govardhana

“O Lord, although You are able to give all kinds of benedictions, I do not pray to you for liberation, nor eternal life in Vaikuntha, nor any other boon. My only prayer is that your childhood pastimes may constantly appear in my mind. O Lord, I don't even want to know Your feature of Paramatma. I simply wish that your childhood pastimes may ever be enacted in my heart.” (Damodarastakam 5)

When one has devotion he does not perform devotional service with the mindset that he has to attain something else by it, nor that he will accrue some benefit for doing it. His consciousness will be that now Krishna should be pleased by my activity. One should therefore chant because Krishna is pleased by our glorification, or at least that our chanting will purify us, and thus one day Krishna will be pleased by our devotion. The gopis do not chant on beads, but they chant Hare Krishna for the pleasure of Krishna. Our chanting should be done sweetly for the Lord's pleasure.

If one is chants the Damodarastakam properly, it will express and nourish one's own aspiration for devotional service. I am very attached to the intimate ceremony here. One should take advantage of kartika by simply offering the Lord these sublime prayers, wherever one might live.

Without bhakti, devotional service can even feel burdensome—like working for someone you have no relationship with and without recompense. That same service done with bhakti is the deepest pleasure of the heart, like doing humble service for one's most beloved.

Without at least some austerity, however, it will be difficult to get bhakti and devotional service will remain a burden. Even singing these simple prayers and
offering a lamp to the Deity, a moderate vow for kartika, can bring some devotion to our hearts and make our devotional service easier. Who will not avail himself of such an opportunity?

"As indicated in the Padma Purana, this practice is extremely powerful, especially when performed in Vrindaban. In his commentary, Jiva Goswami says that if one performs kartika-vrata in Vrindaban, even without devotion, the Lord will very easily offer his personal service." (Waves of Devotion, p.93)

His Holiness Giriraja Swami once told me—though I forget his reference—that kartika is like a sale for bhakti. What is usually sold at a very high personal price, bhakti, is given away cheaply during kartika for a relatively minimal effort.

November 7, 2000

Govardhana As kartika continues, chanting

Govardhana

As kartika continues, chanting becomes easier, much easier. It becomes difficult to think to think of living any other way in any other place. At the same time, the inspiration to give Krishna consciousness to others also increases. That is the dilemma of spiritual life.

Received a letter today from Ekachakra dasa. Akincana Krishna dasa and he opened a Krishna club at NYU and new people came. When they initially approached me with the idea, I was naturally enthusiastic and encouraged them. His Holiness Radhantha Swami also visited the ashram and very much encouraged them. He stressed aggressive preaching, not in the sense of the old-style forcefulness in pushing ourselves on others, but in our determination to establish opportunities to give Krishna consciousness to others and to preach despite all obstacles—including our modes and mind. They initially met with resistance from the university, especially since the University funds the program, but after much perseverance, their first meeting was finally last week. I am looking forward to return to New York so I can spend some time with them but, for now, my duty is to stay here and purify myself.

Ravindra Svarupa's younger son, Rupa, came to Govardhana today. He is a very interesting, very independent, and an extremely intelligent 23-year-old. He would have made a great—what we called in the old days—“heavy hippy.” He is the only mathematics major at Antioch University, where he is also getting college credit for serving in Vrindaban's Food for Life program. Ravindra Svarupa told me seriously after meeting his son this morning, “I wish I was as smart as him.”

I took Rupa to Radha-kunda this morning and we visited all the tirthasthans there. He's not a sadhaka, but he is devotional and respectful to the dhama and its inhabitants, with a healthy fear of committing offenses here.

November 8, 2000

Govardhana - Bhisma-Pancaka Bhisma, like

Govardhana - Bhisma-Pancaka

Bhisma, like Bhima, was a powerful ksatriya and a voracious eater. He thus lamented that he couldn't follow the austerities of kartik. Lord Krishna knows the heart of his pure devotees. He thus offered Bhisma the concession that he would gain the same benefit of following the whole kartik if he could just follow the last five days. The last five days of kartik are therefore called Bhisma-Pancaka.Many Vaishnavas perform some extra austerity or vow on those days, so I've decided to add a half-parikrama of Govardhana to my personal vows every day, so that by the end of kartik, I will have completed at least two full Govardhana parikramas.

Today I started Bhisma-Pancaka by circumambulating the Dana-gati, Govinda-kunda, Punchari, Jatipur-half of Govardhana. Surprisingly, everything went wrong. It's surprising because in other years, I've done the full 22-kilometer parikrama everyday without problem. I don't, however, do well in the sun. Pita (the fire element in the body) increases and my life airs become imbalanced. That, however, was not the real problem. A reoccurring pain in my body stirred. It had little or nothing to do with the long walk around Govardhana, but what sometimes amounts to some discomfort was suddenly quite painful, and it remained that way for the whole day.

I identified my aches as a proverbial pinch by Krishna. Whenever we get too comfortable in this world, even in spiritual life, and become attached to staying permanently here, expect a wake up call: "This temporary material world is full of suffering. Take to the Holy Name of Krishna as our only business." (Srila Bhaktivinoda Thakur)

Another fruit of my chanting seems to be detachment, which I need to learn attain my spiritual goals.

I am too physically exhausted and uncomfortable to do much of anything today. I definitely feel too much pain to continue writing. Will I be able to go tomorrow?

November 9, 2000

Govardhana I’m feeling better, but

Govardhana

I’m feeling better, but I’ve decided to forego today’s parikrama anyway. I fear that when I return from being in the sun from 10-12, I will be too exhausted for
concentrated chanting. Better I concentrate on chanting, but my determination could be stronger.

I am humbled by the Vaishnavas living here. Kesava Bharati is chanting 64 rounds and reading two chapters of Bhagavad-gita a day alongside an hour of assorted prayers, an editing marathon for the Brhad-Bhagavatamrta, hosting numerous Vaishnavas who visit during kartik, and kindly downloading my email so this journal can regularly be sent. How does he do it? He doesn't waste time and doesn't rest until his vrata is complete.

Kesava Bharati is humbled by the ashram pujari, Ranga Caitanya. For the four months of caturmasya, he has been eating only boiled sabji and dry chapatis in
addition to his vow to complete a full Govardhana parikrama every day—half in the morning and half in the evening. He also chants 64 rounds a day and performs all of his temple pujari service diligently and with enthusiasm, including bathing and dressing Sri Sri Krishna-Balarama (the ashram’s two large black and white Govardhana silas). He doesn't speak much English so I haven't spoken to him much, but from the few casual exchanges I sense he is a very sweet person.

How does he do it? There's enough time in the day if one adds it all up. After all, Srila Bhaktisiddhanta Sarasvati took the vow of Haridas Thakura for ten years. That's one billion names—one hundred and ninety two rounds a day!

November 10, 2000

Govardhana Intoxicated bees were humming

Govardhana

Intoxicated bees were humming here and there amidst the rows of lush green trees filled with colorful, aromatic flowers. All the lakes, rivers, hills, and forest resounded with the melodious singing of flocks of many kinds of birds as they flew from place to place. Madhu-pati Sri Krishna, accompanied by Baladeva and the gopas entered Vrindavana and, while gazing the cows,vibrated a mellow sweet tune upon His alluring flute." (Venu-gita 10)

Yesterday my chanting and service was slack. This morning a slight malaise,or fear, entered my consciousness. It was the familiar feeling one gets when you commit yourself to becoming resident of Vrindaban, but become relaxed in devotional service Vrindaban is Krishna’s internal potency and, therefore, everything here moves for His pleasure. If one is living in Vrindaban, but moving for his own pleasure, one is moving in the wrong direction. His life has become incompatible with the dhama and that unnatural situation is immediately felt in the heart.

Our property here, almost two acres, is filled with a variety of beautiful trees and flowers. Lok-pramana (evidence by village talk) espouses the theory that the king who built this small palace as his place of worship in Vrindaban even planted all of the possible varieties of local medicinal plants. There are rose, marigold, and tulasi gardens; rows of ashok and neem trees; and plenty of tamal and kadamba trees—favorites of Krishna and Radha. The kadamba trees here also form a beautiful kadamaba-kunja (a forest room manifest exclusively by the natural growth of flowers or trees). A six-foot indigenous red-stone and mortar Rajasthani wall surrounds the property with a three-foot wrought iron spiked fence on top. It is necessary for security and to keep the thousands of Govardhana monkeys from our beautiful gardens.

Every animal has its own nature. Monkeys do monkey business, or damage. Therefore, at our house in Vrindaban, we plant mostly roses because, evidently, monkeys don't like to eat them. Of course, they still come to break their stems and destroy them. The ashram in Govardhana, therefore, employs two chokidharas (gatemen) armed with imported slingshots just to keep out the monkeys. It's a full-time job. At around 6AM, just after sunrise, the monkeys come from all directions to siege the palace. "Rah! Ah! Eh!" the chokidhars grunt, as they chase one monkey after another from the roofs of the towers on the various corners of the palace. They also chase them from the gardens until they jump back over the wall. "Rah! Ah! Eh!" the brahmacaris shout, as they also join in, as does Kesava Bharati. It's war!

November 11, 2000

Govardhana - Kartik-Purnima (End of

Govardhana - Kartik-Purnima (End of Caturmasya)

Every purnima (full moon day), pilgrims come from all over North India, Uttar-Pradesh, Delhi Punjab, and Haryana for a full parikrama of Govardhana. There has been a nonstop parikrama outside our property for the last twenty-four hours. The crowds actually start from the Ekadasi before the full moon and steadily build to a crescendo on purnima. In the last five years, these crowds have dramatically increased in size each year to the point where Govardhana parikrama has become a prominent part of the spiritual and social life of North India.

Wouldn't it be great if there was also a Govardhana Hill in Upstate NY where all of the devotees on the Northeast coast of the US could festively head to every month as part of their spiritual/social life? With all its dirt, disorder, and poverty, Uttar-Pradesh wallas (the residents of India's largest state) still have the wealth of Govardhana Hill in their state.

Kartik-Purnima in Govardhana is the most popular purnima. I can count from my window at least thirty people walking past the front gate of our ashram every ten seconds. I estimate that an average parikrama takes 5 hours and thus calculate that every 24 hours there are almost 500,000 pilgrims circumambulating Govardhana Hill. Many of these people are walking together with the people from their village to form kirtana groups. It's a Fifth Avenue crowd in rush and density, but with dhotis, red and yellow Rajasthani turbans, and a lot more devotion. I also see Olympic-like sadhus wearing babaji-vesa (short white dhotis) in great shape—racing and chanting around with beads in one hand and walking sticks in the other. There are also a few old Indian village ladies, with their old skirts and buttoned-down shirts, dressed somehow like the granny from the “Beverly Hillbillies” (if you go back that far).

Gunagrahi Maharaja, an expert percussionist, admires the wild enthusiastic drums—mostly dhola, a North Indian wood drum—which accompany each kirtana. He has a keen ear for music and told me that he can hear about ten distinct kirtanas at one time. He also has bad insomnia from the jetlag, and since the window to his room faces the parikrama path, he's usually kept up throughout night. Though he's not at all bored with the show, the lack of regulation is taking its toll.

As I am writing I also hear the cacophony of kirtanas outside my window: Hare Krishna Hare Krishna, Radhe Krishna, Radhe Krishna, Honk! Honk! Indian cars and busses with loud speakers are blaring Hindi bhajans and selling home medical cures.

We ended kartik with a feast. I'm somewhat of a connoisseur of feasts—not just the preparations, but with the serving and atmosphere created to relish it as well. Ravindra Svarupa Prabhu is eagerly waiting to break his kichari fast for the month, but we all sit in anticipation.

The legend, or I should say history, of Govardhana is based on large quantities of food, offered and eaten. From personal experience, I have full faith in the benediction that we can sit by the side of the King of mountains and eat as much as we want—aniyor! aniyor! Our kitchen is a bit famous, and as expected, everything is expertly cooked. To our surprise Giriraja has been offered a large variety of North Indian, Gurjarati, Bengali, and international fare: Puris, rice, bitter melon, sukta (Bengali spiced vegetable soup), channa subji (Punjabi chick pea and vegetable preparation), palak paneer (spinach and cheese), dahl, bhel puri (An exotic Gujarati snack with chidwa, and several chutneys), dhokla (Gujarati dahl bread), coriander chutney, saffron srikant, sweet rice, rasa malai (Bengali cheese and cooked down milk sweet), vegeratarian jello, and butter pecan ice cream.

I was amazed by how much everyone ate. What we really relished, however, was the affection we all had for each other by spending the month together at
Govardhana practicing and sharing Krishna consciousness, a mood nourished perfectly by that wonderfully cooked feast, perfect serve-out, and the hospitable atmosphere of humble devotees. I was on the roof outside of my room talking to Ravindra Svarupa Prabhu when we spotted Kesava Bharati Prabhu walking quickly toward us. Ravindra Svarupa has a way with words and sometimes he would utter spontaneously perfect descriptive phrases like, "Here comes Kesava Bharati, the affable spirit of the place!"

Kesava Bharati's open-heartedness and warmth from the beginning of the project has helped create and maintain a unique mood here of strict Krishna consciousness with a full openness of heart. I overheard heard Ravindra Svarupa tell him, after completing his own arduous vow and wandering in the garden gazing affectionately at Govardhana, "I'm going to miss this place!"

November 12, 2000

Govardhana/Vrindaban/Govardhana I went to Vrindaban

Govardhana/Vrindaban/Govardhana

I went to Vrindaban for the day to attend the Vyasa-puja ceremony for Partha Sarathi Prabhu, held on the large veranda outside my room there. About twenty of his disciples attended and it was short, sweet, and intimate. Krishna spoke through me to glorify His devotee. My talk was appreciated, but I can't remember too many of the details. I just remember how pleasing it was to spend time with my dear friend and godbrother.

Now that kartik is over, I reduced my rounds by a third. I miss the healthy pressure of the vrata (vow). It created a shield of determination to protect me from distraction and personal laxity. One also needs a strong purpose to not allow others to infringe on one's personal time without offending them. A nama-vrata is a good reason. I started reading “Follow The Angels” by Srila B.R. Sridhara Maharaja, Srila Prabhupada's revered godbrother. In that book he gives a wonderful interpretation of the enigmatic verse from the Srimad-Bhagavatam:

"Lord Siva says, ‘I may know the meaning of the Bhagavatam and Sukadeva may also know. As for Vyasadeva he may or may not know it. The Bhagavatam can only be known through bhakti, not by mundane intelligence or by reading many commentaries.’"

The idea is that Bhagavatam is not just a matter of words, ink, and paper. It is cit-sakti—spiritual potency, directly Krishna. When the Bhagavatam manifests itself through a qualified person, it is not manufactured from or dependent on that person's intellect—although the intelligence used in Krishna's service is an important part of the process. It manifests through the person from a higher realm. It therefore may be beyond a person's intellectual capacity or memory, and the person serving as an agent to manifest the Bhagavatam may or may not even understand what he has spoken.

Srila Visvanatha Cakravarti Thakur used to pray to each word in the Bhagavatam and volumes of meaning concerning the pastimes of Radha and Krishna would pour forth onto his page. No one could decipher that from the mere literal meaning. So by mundane intelligence even the author of the Bhagavatam, Srila Vyasadeva, may or may not know its full meaning. When I put the First Canto of Bhagavatam on tape, I would spend the day before preparing it as nicely as I could. The next day, I would try to present the message as clearly as possible, with the understanding that Krishna is nondifferent from his message. If, by Srila Prabhupada's grace, I was able to elucidate the text cogently, the experience of hearing the message, both for the speaker and hearer, seemed beyond the intellectual or mental sphere. It was a meditation on Krishna, and an experience of His presence. When you meet someone that is attractive, it is experiential, not academic. In the studying of Bhagavatam we use our intelligence in Krishna's service, but ultimately it is an observation, not a theoretical study.

November 13, 2000

Govardhana/Vrindaban I returned to Vrindaban

Govardhana/Vrindaban

I returned to Vrindaban and settled into my room at the japa-kutir. His trusted assistant Baladeva built the japa-kutir for Satsvarupa Maharaja, but due to health reasons, Maharaja could not use it. I was thus fortunate to be given his room on the roof.

The house had already become a bit of a tirtha. During the Babrid Mosque controversy in Ayodhya, we even hid Srila Narayana Maharaja at this house. The police were putting Hindu fundamentalists in jail after the Mosque was torn down and a rumor was floating around Mathura that Narayana Maharaja was next. Narayana Maharaja is a Vaishnava, not a Hindu fundamentalist, but being probably the most prominent spiritual leader in Mathura, he was at risk.

He stayed for ten days with Satsvarupa Maharaja. I remember Narayana Maharaja telling us personally how impressed he was by living with Satsvarupa Maharaja, noting that Maharaja arose everyday near midnight and, like the Goswamis, slept so little. Every afternoon many senior devotees would meet on the roof of the japa-kutir to discuss krishna-katha with Narayana Maharaja.

Now Partha Sarathi Prabhu has also stayed there for a month of spiritual practice and meditation. He loved the atmosphere—especially the unparalleled view of the dome of Srila Prabhupada's Samadhi Mandir. For the last three years I have also been having regular lectures there every evening on Bhagavatam, Caitanya Bhagavat, and now Bhakti-Sandarbha.

The japa-kutir is sanctified place but, unfortunately, it now appears that Baladeva needs to sell it.

November 14, 2000

Japa Kutir, Vrindaban I will

Japa Kutir, Vrindaban

I will resume my daily practice of visiting Srila Prabhupada at his Samadhi Mandir after breakfast now that I am in Vrindaban. My worth is his mercy—tomara karuna sar. It's a fact. Whatever I personally treasure—Vrindaban, the holy name, the Bhagavat—are his gifts.

While standing by the side of the altar of Sri Sri Gaura-Nitai I feel an affectionate mild slap on my back and the greeting of a devout high-pitched voice. I recognize that it is saintly Vibhu Caitanya welcoming me from behind.

Vibhu Caitanya, in his household life, like Gaura Kishor dasa Babaji, was a simple grain merchant in Bengal. He would use much of the modest profit from his shop to feed the Vaishnavas. When his family repeatedly objected to what they thought was his excessive charity, he eventually just left home in 1975 for Vrindaban, where he met Srila Prabhupada and surrendered to his lotus feet.

Srila Prabhupada immediately engaged Vibhu Caitanya as the cook for the temple Deities, a service that he executed expertly and sincerely for over twenty years, until old age forced him to retire and to adopt the less strenuous service of serving out caranamrita. Single-handedly, he was cooking every offering, including the Deities’ sweets—entering the kitchen well before mangala-arati and not leaving before nine at night. All of these offerings were elaborate and incomparably delectable. Once, shortly after his retirement, I passed him on the steps and he was gently laughing—"Six men! Six men!"—indicating how many people at the time the temple had to engage to replace him.

Occasionally I would hear his voice calling me from outside my room. When I would open my door he would be standing there with a tiffin of samosas, kachouris, sweets, and other spiritual delicacies from the Deities. Service in Vrindaban could get very austere and even stressful and I would sometimes question if I were even making advancement at all. Whenever I received this tiffin of maha-prasadam directly from his hands, however, I understood that it was the direct the mercy of Srimati Radaharani, and my despondency would be relieved.

By the time I turned around to greet him, Vibhu Caitanya was already paying his obeisances. In a deep meditative way, indicative of the heartfelt respect of one imbued with the consciousness of servant of the servant, I returned the obeisances and stayed down for a while. When I finally stood up, Vibhu Caitanya was still down. It happens every time.

To this day I will never leave Vrindaban without asking him to pray to Srimati Radharani for my return.

I also see Mother Srimati chanting and intensely praying to Sri Sri Gaura-Nitai. Mother Srimati is a saintly and learned widow fromMayapur, who is our parikrama guide for Ekachakra whenever we visit the Mayapur area. We talk for a while and she quotes Bhaktivinoda Thakur: "Dhama-seva leads to nama-seva, which leads to kama-seva."

I reply, "Kama-seva?" Kama refers to lust or desire.

She said, "Yes, when we chant the name purely, then Krishna opens His heart to us and reveals his kama, or desire for us. That is perfection!"

I start my class today. I’ve only told two people, but a good crowd shows up. I realize how much I miss lecturing regularly. It's my main devotional offering to Srila Prabhupada.

November 15, 2000

Japa Kutir, Vrindaban One naturally

Japa Kutir, Vrindaban

One naturally organizes his environment according to one's desires and modes. The japa-kutir was designed and named by Baladeva Vidyabhusana as a place for devotional practices. I am also consciously trying to organize my room for my spiritual needs. I no longer sleep on a bed. In the evening I roll out a thin mattress on the floor so I can put it in away during the day and mop the floor where I sleep. The change was inspired by a sadhu who told me that those who are serious about bhajan don't like chanting with foreign entities around, referring to the dirt and contamination from sleeping. My simple wooden bed is therefore reserved as my place of worship. On the side of the bed, next to the window, I've placed my asana (seat of worship). This vantage point gives me a perfect view of the domes on top of Srila Prabhupada’s samadhi, which are about two hundred yards from the japa-kutir and across the fifty-acre field that borders our house.

There have been some improvements to the japa-kutir since we got Panditji, our new caretaker, even though he's eccentric and very easily upset. "Light swamiji! Light swamiji!" he calls out every morning and every night to remind me to either turn on or turn off the security lights on the veranda, which were illogically placed in my room. I used to be disturbed by him, but since he is efficient, relatively honest, and keeps the place clean, I’ve learned to tolerate him—even like him. He also keeps our garden beautiful—a burgeoning tulasi forest with plenty of rose bushes.

I also started my regular evening program of joining Aindra's kirtan. The kirtans gets better and better—and more and more popular. It's quite a show and very spiritually potent. Bhurijan Prabhu told me that, for him, ISKCON-Vrindaban means the Deities and Aindra's kirtans. I agree. At least thirty resident devotees and countless pilgrims regularly attend. The "going to shows" or concert-tendency can easily be dovetailed in Vrindaban.

November 16, 2000

Japa Kutir, Vrindaban About five

Japa Kutir, Vrindaban

About five years ago I was standing in front of the altar of Sri Sri Radha-Shyamasundar next to my friend Virabahu Prabhu, who was looking reverentially at the Deities. In his very formal and dignified voice, slightly tinged with an aristocratic Spanish accent, he turned to me and said, "This is the most beautiful Srimati Radharani in the world!" Yes, the resplendent beauty of Radharani here on the Sri Sri Radha-Shyamsundar altar is unparalleled. A nice sign hangs to the right of Radha-Shyamasundar listing the 26 transcendental qualities of Srimati Radharani. I’ve started memorizing two qualities every time I take darshan and then meditate on the Deities thinking of her qualities. Today:

  • She can agitate Krishna by the flavor of her glance.
  • She is expert in the art of singing.
Bhakti comes by spontaneous and practical service to a Vaishnava, and that attraction will only increase by their association and service. Eager to emulate them, we will carefully observe their activities. The mood of a Vaishnava is seva, or bhakti, and a Vaishnava's activity is the glorification of Krishna. A desire in our heart then will grow to have their nature (desire). A desire for a desire is the same as that desire. Thus once attraction to the nature of a Vaishnava, which is devotion, has arisen in one’s heart, bhakti-devi has also manifest in one's heart.

November 17, 2000

Vrindaban/Govardhana While visiting the temple

Vrindaban/Govardhana

While visiting the temple this morning I again met a few devotees who needed to speak to me. I therefore arrived back in my room an hour after schedule. My class is from Wednesday to Friday, so I will this leave this afternoon to spend my weekend in Govardhana. After lunch, I packed my bags in a rush because my ride would be waiting to leave immediately after my class. In general I saw my day thrown into passion. During the ride to Govardhana, I could sense some anxiety, but when I searched for the cause I really couldn't find anything substantial. My conclusion:

Much of our anxiety is more related to the mode that we are in than to the actual circumstances of our lives. The symptom of goodness is happiness and the symptom of passion is distress. A lot of mental illness could be cured if people had a sattvic lifestyle.

November 18, 2000

Govardhana "Now that I have

Govardhana

"Now that I have surrendered all that I posses unto your lotus feet, I throw myself down before Your house. You are the master of the house; kindly consider me your dog." (Sarvasva Toma Carane; "Everything unto Your Feet" from Saranagati by Bhaktivinoda Thakur)

H.H. Niranjana Swami has arrived to stay in Govardhana for a month. We will meet every evening in his room for sadhu-sanga, centered on gaura-bhajans. In my opinion, no one sings gaura-bhajans like Niranjana Swami. He begins:

'doyal nitai caitanya' bole" nac re amar man nac re amar man, nac re amar man

"Chanting the holy names ‘Doyal Nitai Caitanya!’—Oh my mind dances! Oh my mind dances! Oh my mind dances!"

Partha-Sarathi Prabhu, Gunagrahi Swami, Jayadvaita Maharaja, everyone becomes deeply absorbed in the timeless world of nama-kirtan. Some clear realizations:

I have been in Govardhana for a month trying to enter the mood of Govardhana, but attachment to Lord Gauranga and imbibing His mood of worship is the easiest path of entrance to Govardhana and the pastimes of Radha and Krishna.

There are followers of Srila Prabhupada with spiritual attainment. The future for sadhu-sanga looks bright. I am eager for their association, birth after birth.

November 19, 2000

Govardhana "Lord Nityananda is very

Govardhana

"Lord Nityananda is very merciful. Taking one's faith he gives the highest ecstasy." (Dalalera-gita by Bhaktivinoda Thakur)

We met again for sanga. I've never experienced bhajans like this! Is it the mercy of Govardhana or the quality of the sadhu-sanga here? Am I finally getting some taste for Krishna consciousness?

My thoughts during kirtan: I felt completely satisfied and proud to be a Vaishnava, to be a disciple of Srila Prabhupada, to have the association of his sincere servants, to be an aspiring renunciate.

November 20, 2000

Govardhana My trip to Vrindaban

Govardhana

My trip to Vrindaban was delayed. Nekram, my driver, called and said that because of the elections in Govardhana today, no cars would be allowed in. I listened outside to the road and there was an unusual silence—no cars, no speakers, complete silence. I told him to come tomorrow. I am not disappointed to be stuck at Govardhana.

Nanuram, our simple hearted brijabasi friend, spontaneously starts a conversation with me in the hall. He was very animated. Usually he just talks, not caring if you understand or not, but this time he called over a translator. Unfortunately, the translator practically only spoke Oriyan, but my curiosity was aroused as to why Nanuram so excited and I thus somehow managed to get the two of them to communicate in broken Hindi. Finally, to my complete surprise, in broken English, the Oriyan devotee informs me, "He said Clinton's man was losing the election!"

Bhajan, mostly nitai-bhajan, again at 6 PM in Niranjana Swami's room. Mahamantra and Kesava Bharati also join. Again we are effortlessly drawn into the mood of the last few nights. My thoughts:

I wish my friends and well wishers were here. Devotees need to see their teachers and spiritual authorities relate in Krishna consciousness, with open hearts, on the basis of Caitanya Caritamrita, to solidify their faith that they are following real Vaishnavas.

In a preaching mission, the leaders must also at times manage the mission and relate to others, even their godbrothers, in a corporate way, but real faith will be nourished by seeing sadhu-sanga based on nama-kirtan and krishna-katha.

November 21, 2000

Govardhana I talked with Partha-Sarathi

Govardhana

I talked with Partha-Sarathi Prabhu this morning about chanting. His recommendation was pray, pray more, and deepen our prayers. Without humility and a consequent yearning for perfection bhakti, true devotion, cannot come to the heart.

Met an old Godbrother friend who confided in me about a unique process of purification that he had just undergone. When I asked if it could be mentioned in my journal, he replied that I could repeat the story as long as his name was not used and his identity was not evident. He explained that it was important that it be kept confidential because if one accrues any prestige for his austerities, the honor one receives becomes the fruit of one's austerities, and not the desired spiritual attainment.

My friend had just returned from Tibet where he completed the grueling 14-day circumambulation of Mt. Kalaish, the abode of Lord Siva. When he told me this I was surprised and jokingly asked, "Are you aspiring for santa-rasa?" (One of the impetuses for developing ecstatic love in the mood of santa-rasa is to stay in lonely places like the Himalayas.) He seriously replied that Lord Siva is in charge of the false ego. To remove the false ego and to develop the pure ego of the humble servant of the Vaishnavas, one could take the help of Lord Siva. He quoted two or three places in the Bhagavatam where pilgrimage to Mt. Kailash is described. I could not immediately confirm the validity of his pilgrimage in terms of Gaudiya teachings, but I listened respectfully because my friend is a good Vaishnava. I believe he chants a minimum of 64 rounds per day, and I know he still preaches very rigorously, and successfully, for 8 months of the year.

He described to me the traditional circumambulation of Mt. Kailash, how each day one adopts in a progressive manner a different meditation to help one give up bodily identification. He also described how one of the five people in his party almost got lost and if that person didn't by chance relocate their camp, he could have died of exposure.

He joked to me that he had to undergo this process because he was not fortunate like me, referring to the humbling circumstances I had to tolerate in the last fives years for the sake of Srila Prabhupada's service. I told him that he was just being kind, since deserved retribution is different from voluntary austerities.

November 22, 2000

Vrindaban Vraja Sevika, a disciple

Vrindaban

Vraja Sevika, a disciple of mine from Bulgaria, asked me if I could please visit the ashram where she is staying. She especially wanted me to meet the nice baba, or sadhu, in charge.

In a previous journal about my stay in Vrindaban in August 1999, I wrote something about Vraja Sevika and at least two persons who read it politely questioned me whether writing about her was a breach of confidentiality. I am very careful about maintaining confidentiality in my journals. I explained to them that, at that time, I showed her what I wrote, and that she didn't mind because she felt that the sphere of my journal is in another world—a world she never crosses.

Vraja Sevika left her pujari service at the Sri Sri Krishna-Balaram Mandir after I left India for some time in 1995, as she found her living situation with another particular lady in the temple ashram intolerable. She wandered around Vraja for a year, learning fluent brajabasa, but became attracted to the mood of worship in other Vrindaban-based Vaishnava lines that encouraged esoteric mediation on Radha-Krishna pastimes. When I returned to India almost a year later, I questioned her as to the validity of what she had been doing. I was not particularly happy with her response and told her so. Even though I didn't approve of what she was doing, she would still occasionally visit me to offer respects and to seek advice on practical matters.

She had vowed never to leave Vraja, although she did not have a secure visa or a viable means of support or protection. She thus suffered humiliation, malnutrition, physical debilitation, and mental depression. I cannot even describe the trauma of a single, young, and independent Western-born lady living alone in a small Indian town, but she still would not leave. Her plight finally culminated in a very bad marriage resulting in a child who died just 3 months after he was born.

I would repeatedly try to explain to her that Vrindaban was not just a physical place, but more important also a matter of consciousness and that there was little value in residing in Vrindaban without cultivating humility and purifying oneself. She remained fixed, however, on only one principle—she would live and die in Vraja.

Just before I left last summer I got a note from her, shortly after her child died, that she had a radical change in attitude; that she was returning to Bulgaria and was focusing on getting her health back and developing her character. That's the last I heard from her until she returned recently and ran into Gokula Taruni. She gave Gokula Taruni the phone number of her ashram and asked her to please ask me to call her.

She was staying in a very old ashram that belonged to some saints from the followers of Hit Hari Vamsa, a renowned Vaishnava in many parts of Vrindadan who started the Radha-Vallabha Sampradaya. He became a very controversial figure, however, among the Gaudiyas as he was an errant disciple of Gopal Bhatta Goswami. The ashram was now a two-acre nursery on the parikrama marg off Mathura Rd., dedicated to the preservation of the environment of Vraja

The street was a bit noisy, but going into the ashram was like entering another world. It is preserved as old Vraja jungle with a large variety of beautiful indigenous trees and plants. Vraja Sevika respectfully greeted me and then offered me a seat on a large stone slab propped up on each side by bricks and situated under some old shade trees in front of the ashram building. There was a similar seat parallel about ten feet away and then another seat perpendicular to both of them so that the seats form three sides of a ten foot square—a perfect rustic informal meeting area. Vraja Sevika then excused herself to get the baba that she said was anxious to meet me.

The baba was a fair-skinned sadhu with a slight and dignified bodily frame indicating, at least from his appearance, a person of goodness, a sadhu. He had a long gray beard and was wearing a one-piece rough brownish khadi kurta (shirt) that could almost be mistaken for burlap and hung to his ankles to form a complete dress, with the exception of a thick winter shawl over his shoulder. I stood to greet him and he sat next to me on the bench facing me with folded legs.

The sadhu began to explain his thoughts and we had a very respectful conversation. I would also speak but I generally deferred to him, as I was his guest, he was older than me, nearing seventy, and the fact that he was obviously locally revered, since during our conversation several people came from the outside to touch his feet. He was very fluent in English and illustrated his points mostly with stories. Since he was a Vaishnava there was general agreement in our talk, but he seemed to have some of his own ideas—especially about guru—that I doubted were based on the principles of sastra, especially as he was not in the habit of referencing his statements. He did not say anything, however, that necessitated a strong response and I respected him as a gentleman and a sadhu, and he also offered deference to me.

I often quoted from the Bhagavatam in my discussion with the sadhu and he seemed to appreciate the references that I contributed to our discussion. In the course of our talk he asked where I live and when he discovered that it was near him and that I was giving class every day, he enthusiastically said that he would like to come. I responded to him that he was senior to me, and that if he came he would have to give the class. He insisted on our equality and told the following interesting story about an eagle and a sparrow to illustrate it.

An eagle and a sparrow were somehow friends and, in a spirited competition, decided to fly to the sun to see Surya Narayan, the sun god. Soon, however,the sparrow began to fatigue and his wings fluttered. Finally, in exhaustion, he fell from the sky. As he was falling he watched as the eagle soared and disappeared from sight.

When the sparrow came to earth he gathered all the other animals and told of the glorious vulture, the great bird that soared off to meet Surya Narayan. All the animals became excited and prepared a grand reception for the divinely inspired vulture. Thousands assembled and brought numerous flowers and fruits.

The eagle, although far ahead of the sparrow, enough to be out of sight, was still nowhere near the Sun. He also began to totter and flap his wings desperately to keep equilibrium. It was too late, however, and he began to fall rapidly until—crash!—he landed right in the middle the assembled forest animals. The animals cheered wildly—"Jaya Vulture! Jaya Vulture! Vulture Vulture! Jaya Jaya!"—and garlanded the hapless creature thinking that he had attained saksad-dasrhan, direct vision of the glorious sun-god, Sri Surya Narayan.

The vulture looked around in surprise and disgust. "What's going on? Why are you glorifying me? I have done nothing of merit," he said. But the animals replied, "That's not true, you are the glorious bird who visited the sun god!"

"I did not!"

The sparrow spoke up, "But you soared so far that you were out of sight!"
"I may have been ahead of you," he quickly retorted, "but I was also far, far away from reaching sun. Therefore I think I am really still no better than you or anyone else!"

Moral: You may be ahead others, but rather than seeing them in relation to yourself it is better to see yourself and others in relation to the final goal, which most likely will be of little variance. Better to judge things from an absolute, rather than relative perspective.

In common parlance, it really makes little difference that you get the ghee lamp first.

I appreciated his point in a certain context. However, a Vaishnava is encouraged to make certain practical distinction among for the purpose of relating properly, avoiding offense, and giving and accepting instruction.

The sadhu had never been introduced to me so I asked his name. He introduced himself as Sevak Saran, who I recognized as a famous Vraja conservationist. I had to rush back to my class, so I excused myself, but we made friends and he begged me to return.

I never even had a chance to inquire from Vraja Sevika about her welfare. Upon leaving I asked her one question in passing. "Did your parents appreciate what you have achieved after seeing you after seven years?"

"No," she replied, almost rhetorically. "How could they appreciate one in such poor health, destitute and depressed?" I told her she could visit me later if she had any questions, as there was no time to discuss her new realizations now.

I wondered if her radical change in attitude had anything to do with a diminishing faith in spiritual life, since her spiritual life was apparently such a disaster. I hope not. I wondered if she realized that the perhaps her problem was not spirituality, but the way in which she practiced spirituality according to her own whim.

November 24, 2000

Vrindaban Met in the evening

Vrindaban

Met in the evening with Sacinandana Swami. We discussed our personal spiritual practices. Our conclusion was that although there are certain common factors in everyone's attempt to perfect his sadhana—selfless service to spiritual master, inoffensive chanting, and the mood of separation, for example—each individual also has an individual practice that will unfold and develop as a response to ones personal sincerity to advance. A good example of a balance between the standard practices of spiritual development and one's individuality is H.H. Satsvarupa Maharaja who, in addition to his regular preaching services, spends increasing time in seclusion writing, immersed in self-introspection and the cultivation of personal integrity. Another example is H.H. Radhanatha Swami who tries to remain absorbed in the congregational chanting of the holy name, interspersed with intense pilgrimages to holy places in India. H.G. Bhurijan Prabhu has adopted, in addition to his regular sadhana, a comprehensive focus on the Bhagavatam that began from the first verse and is now steadily approaching the Tenth Canto, following in the footsteps of Maharaja Pariksit. Another good example of a serious sadhaka is Sacinandana Swami himself, who has gravitated in his personal practices to prolonged japa meditation, which includes concentrated personal retreats to deepen his attraction for the holy name.

Sacinandana Swami also stressed that we should chant in the mood of separation because it is the mood that is most consistent with our present position—separation from Krishna. It is also therefore the mood of bhajan that we can adopt most sincerely.

We both appreciated the contribution of Gaura Govinda Swami to our line of personal worship, the emphasis and deep understanding of Caitanya Mahaprabhu. Partha-Sarathi also stressed this to me in my
discussions with him.

I went to visit B.B. Govinda Swami, who has just arrived. When I entered the courtyard of his house, Maharaja, a large heavy set American-born sannyasi, was sitting next to and dwarfing Nitai Baba, a very sweet, old, and humble diminutively-built local babaji, affectionately stroking his back. Govinda Swami has a heart of gold. He has adopted the 82 year-old poverty stricken babaji and helps with his meager rent and his medical needs. Last year he even arranged a fan for Nitai Baba's simple room to help him survive another scorching Vrindaban summer.

November 25, 2000

Vrindaban Definition of Isvara (the

Vrindaban

Definition of Isvara (the supreme controller):

Kartum akartha anyatha kartum

He can do, undo, or change anything.

November 26, 2000

Vrindaban Went to visit Bhaktividya

Vrindaban

Went to visit Bhaktividya Purna Maharaja to consult him about my personal puja for Giriraja. Maharaja has been staying in Vrindaban for the last several months. It was a very informative and pleasant visit and I very much enjoyed Maharaja's association.

From Jaiva Dharma, on the position of the arca-vigraha (installed deities):

"The Lord's transcendental form of eternity, knowledge, and bliss is first revealed in the pure consciousness of the jiva and then reflected in the mind. The external form of the Deity is fashioned according to this transcendental form revealed in the mind, and by the power of bhakti-yoga, the sac-cid-ananda form of the Lord then manifests in the Deity. When the devotee takes darsana of the Deity, that Deity unites with the transcendental form of the Lord which the devotee sees in his heart."

I wonder if my journals give the misimpression that my world is just pure excitement without struggle. I fear that, especially since my general psychology is on the optimistic side and the journal is the world through my eyes. To some extent, I do tend to look for the positive in life. But I think the tone of the journals also reflect the fact that they have been started at a particular time in my life—a time of rest and introspection after a very tough stretch of five years where so many struggles were thrown my way.

I think the journals also reflect the fact that Vrindaban is a very dynamic place and Vrindaban in Kartik is even more intense—externally as well as internally. I have taken many people to Vrindaban for the first time for pilgrimage and most will tell you that their two weeks in dhama seemed like a lifetime of experiences.

Another factor in the tone of the journal is that many senior Vaishnavas from all over India, and the world, congregate in Vrindaban in Kartik, and I do have the fortune of the acquaintance of many of them. That certainly makes life dynamic. There is also a connection between one's internal world and one's external world. If one focuses for some time on his internal purification then certainly the world around him transforms in a unique way to nurture that purification and to teach certain lessons.

One's vision is not only what happens around him, but also how one sees it. When one enters a period of deep study and then reflects carefully on what he reads, his vision radically changes. That vision naturally has some relevance to other sincere seekers.

November 27, 2000

Vrindaban My plan now is

Vrindaban

My plan now is to continue writing my book on the Bhagavatam, but I am often distracted, as it seems that everyday there is someone new that comes to meet me.

Today I got the following surprise note from one disciple of H.H. Narayan Maharaja at the Krishna-Balaram Mandir:

“Narayan Maharaja requests you to visit him before he leaves. Visits would be possible on the 27th or 28th. Please phone his assistant Madhava Maharaja (formerly Naveen Krishna).”

Some of my Godbrothers seem upset with Maharaja in terms of his dealings with ISKCON, especially that he is reinitiating the disciples of other gurus. There is certainly credibility to some of their concerns. Others tend to remember the friendship and relationship we had with him, and the kindness he shared with us. I have thought about this carefully over the years and decided that I should visit him occasionally, especially if it might help quell the controversy if some of the devotees who had close relationships with him, but stopped coming, occasionally visited him.

I called Madhava Maharaja, Maharaja's secretary. He told me that it is Maharaja’s last day in Mathura and there will be many people coming so he wasn’t sure if he could see me privately. I told him I would just come to offer my respects and see what happened.

November 28, 2000

Vrindaban/ Mathura I arrived at

Vrindaban/ Mathura

I arrived at the Kesavaji Gaudiya Math at 10AM, as planned. The Sri Kesavaji Gaudiya Math is an important tirtha since, among other things, Srila Prabhupada took sannyasa there, stayed there for sometime, and also donated their Mahaprabhu deity. Being there again brought up a lot of pleasant memories from a time I used to regularly visit there and especially from the very warm relationships we had with many of the devotees there.

I was apprehensive about how I would be greeted because some of his disciples were upset with us when we stopped visiting, but I was determined to just maintain my poise as a humble Vaishnava visiting a senior devotee. I noticed that the Math (monastery) was not bustling, as it usually it is, with the visiting international devotees and local brajabasi pilgrims. It was just the local brahmacaris there, and the atmosphere was more subdued and peaceful, like it
was in the early ‘90s before Narayan Maharaja became so popular.

As I entered the temple room on the second floor of the Math, Sriman Premananda Prabhu, the temple president, pays obeisances to me and then affectionately holds my hand. He has been honored by their society as seva-ratna—the jewel of servants. To this day he is still their main cook. I still remember how he would immediately prepare delicious prasadam for any guest who visited and then serve them with great happiness.

When I entered Maharaja's room there are about fifteen people sitting there. It appeared that he was initiating a young brajabasi lady who has come with her mother. He is instructing her and she is crying. Maharaja has not realized that I have come in and I sit on the floor in a corner quietly. He soon, however, recognizes me, and motions with his hand that he needs five minutes before he can meet me. I reply that I am in no rush at all and that he should take his time.

I am not sure why he called me. Perhaps he was concerned that I may have not been welcomed properly at their Govardhana-annukut last month and I had not returned to visit him during his stay. I was not really so concerned with why he called, only happy to meet a person who is a longstanding friend and a well-wisher.

After five minutes he offers me a chair and slowly clears out the room so we are basically alone. He even has his assistant latch the door. He inquires about my welfare and we exchange pleasantries. He looked quite healthy and vibrant today—not much different from when I first met him. He certainly didn't look 80 years old and, in jest, I asked him about his secret to remaining youthful. He replied, "You also look youthful," clenching his fists at his side which seems to indicate that I got stronger and gained weight. I was somewhat surprised at this because I thought I had actually lost weight since the last time I saw him.

I told him that he must be so tired as he is busy from day to night. He said, "I am helping others and that is also helping me. My body, mind, and words are fully engaged in Krishna's service, so it is not tiring." He asked if I was fearful of visiting him. I told him that I wasn’t, that I was just waiting for the crowds around him to die down, but it is evident that there will always been many people around him. "That is the main thing", he said, referring to the fact that I should not be hesitant to visit him. He asks me to visit him from time to time when I come to India.

I read him the part of the introduction in Waves of Devotion where he is acknowledged. He just nodded, but I could see he wasn't very interested. I quickly put the book away thinking that perhaps it wasn't proper to present oneself as an author of philosophy before one who is so senior.

Maharaja is leaving tomorrow and the crowds outside his door are building. He lets in another Indian couple that had been eagerly waiting to see him. His attention turns toward them.

I ask him if I can ask just one question: "If the qualification for spontaneous devotional service is the greed to serve the residents of Vrindaban, then how does that qualification come when most devotees need to practice vaidhi-bhakti?" He quickly replied that "if one properly enters the Caitanya Caritamrita, then everything can come."

In the process of vaidhi-bhakti that we follow there is ample opportunity to hear about spontaneous devotional service. If one executes that process sincerely, immersing oneself in gaura/govinda-lila, then certainly the greed to follow the residents of Vrindaban should eventually manifest.

Time is up. I excuse myself, thank him, and walk out through the back door with his long time assistant Naveen Krishna, now Madhava Maharaja.

I rush back to Vrindaban as His Holiness B.B. Govinda Swami is hosting lunch for his friends, and many other devotees have been invited after that for kirtan at his house.

For those who have lived in Vrindaban, the program of kirtan and prasadam is a regular part of the culture. I remember fifteen years ago, when along with my good friend Rupa Vilas Prabhu, we used to host regular feast and bhajan programs for the senior devotees at his home. The cook was one of my assistants, Vishwanatha das, a Bengali Vaishnava, who was certainly one of the best cooks I've ever seen. One feast in particular was so extraordinary that—in the middle of the feast—H.H. Tamal Krishna Maharaja looked up and in a sober but enthusiastic voice declared: "I knew that one day in this movement we would be experiencing the ecstasy of Caitanya Caritamrita, but I never expected it this soon!" Maharaja was not only commenting on the feast, but the type of affection that flows through the heart, and to the heart, in an august assembly of devotees that one has affection for.

I felt the exact same way today in the company of such wonderful devotees as H.H. B.B. Govinda Swami, H.H. Sacinandana Swami, H.H. Bhakti Vidya Purna Swami, H.H. Niranajana Swami, H.G Kesava Bhararti Prabhu, Nandanandana Prabhu, and Dadu.

I sat next to Sacinandana Swami. He's deep. I was soaking up his humble personal realizations of his own spiritual journey. I sense his single-minded determination to surrender and deeply experience Krishna consciousness. We have tentatively scheduled another meeting between us if I go to Bombay next month. If I want to proceed further in spiritual life, it is essential for me to spend time discussing personal spiritual practices with senior and like-minded Godbrothers now—especially in the absence of regular access to a senior siksa-guru. Of course, Paramatma is also siksa-guru.

The kirtan goes on for four hours. Niranjana Swami leads the most wonderful bhajans. B.B Govinda Swami also provides life with his powerful and rhythmic mrdanga playing, his incredibly sweet voice and his sheer power. One can't help but appreciate the devotion that Govinda Swami puts into his kirtan, but I also can't discount what he has brought from his birth: Maharaja is from Nashville, and his father is in the Country music hall of fame.

November 29, 2000

Vrindaban I received a note

Vrindaban

I received a note appreciating my journal explaining that it "gives people a chance to hear philosophy when they don't have time to read or make time to read." It's more likely that people don't make time to read and this disturbs me, although I am sympathetic to the plight of the devotees. I also find it sometimes hard to read when my schedule is upset and my day becomes passionate. Not making time to read has more to do with our lifestyle and the modes we attract than our lack of time, although I understand how exhausting working and family life is in today's world.

Another problem is that, in many places, the Hare Krishna movement has failed to provide an attractive and nourishing spiritual environment to inspire devotees in Krishna consciousness. Nonetheless, we have to sincerely analyze our style of life and see what changes can be made so that are lives are more impacted by goodness and devotion. Ultimately, everything rests on our sincerity, our desire to become Krishna consciousness.

Sometimes I think that many, or even most people, are not capable of really studying philosophical books on their own; otherwise why do so few devotees seem to read Srila Prabhupada's books regularly? In Vrindaban and other holy places we still see that most people learn philosophy by hearing others speak. The Hare Krishna movement needs to concentrate more on developing learned and engaging speakers who can attract people to hearing. Hopefully, then the devotees will also become inspired to read.

I read some relevant points in Bhakti-Sandarbha in this regard:

bhaktya tat-katha rucer—bhakti means the taste in hearing about Krishna; the eagerness, relish, and willingness to hear about Krishna.


eva paravastha-rupaya prema laksanaya—this taste is hearing itself which will transform into prema; the extreme taste for hearing is prema.

I see the disciple of Narayan Maharaja who sent the note from him. I asked her exactly what Maharaja had told her. I was surprised that she said that it was her idea to request me to visit and that, due to miscommunication, it came out as if Maharaja was making the request. I probably wouldn't have visited at this time if it wasn't for her letter, but I am not unhappy that I did. Krishna works in strange ways.

November 30, 2000

Vrindaban "An intelligent person, expert

Vrindaban

"An intelligent person, expert in perceiving the world around him and in applying sound logic, can achieve real benefit through his own intelligence. Thus sometimes one acts as his own instructing spiritual master." (Bhag. 11.7.20)

I found this interesting verse in the Eleventh Canto in Lord Krishna's instructions to Uddhava. It is from the prelude to Krishna’s description of the avadhuta brahmana’s account of his 28 gurus in nature, based on the brahmana’s discriminating observation of the world. In other words, from individually observing natural phenomena like the sun, wind, and fire, and also from different species of life, he learned important lessons in life. For example, because the python maintains himself with whatever comes of it's own accord, the brahmana learned—from the python's example—dependence on God.

Surprisingly, one of the most important instructions he learned was from Pingala, the prostitute. With great care she had dressed herself very attractively and waited in immense anticipation for the arrival of a customer, but although she waited all day and night, no one came. Her experience was so distressful that she finally gave up her desire for the arrival of a proper suitor and renounced the world to exclusively meditate on the Supreme Lord. She became peaceful and eventually attained perfection. From Pingala, the prostitute, the astute avadhuta brhamana learned that hopes for sense gratification are the root of all anxiety.

Jiva Goswami also makes an interesting statement in the purport to this verse: gurv-anusarane pravartaka ity arthah. "The knowledge acquired by one's own perception and intelligence leads one to appreciate the value of the representative of the world."

In other words, a detached and objective study of the world will reveal the same teachings as the spiritual master, the saintly people, and the scriptures. It will thus increase one's sraddha (faith) in sabda brahman (deductive knowledge descending froms a transcendental source). Studying the 28 gurus of the avadhuta brahmana also confirmed my own realization in writing this journal, that an objective view of the world bolster's one's faith.

Today I learned a very important lesson from Bhakta Herman:

As I was leaving the temple this morning, following my regular late morning darshan of Sri Radha-Shyamasundar, an older brahmacari came up to me to present a garland from some of the South African lady disciples of Partha-Sarathi Prabhu who were standing nearby. I was intrigued by this brahmacari, who introduced himself as Bhakta Herman.

Bhakta Herman was in his late fifties, not much taller than five-feet tall, and somewhat crippled in both feet. Although he could walk without a cane, he struggled terribly—like a devotee blistered on both feet after parikram. His disability, however, was obviously permanent, either congenital, or due to serious accident or disease. His jaws were also constantly gnawing, either from pain or a nervous disorder. He had a strong South Brooklyn accent, and a fairly serious speech disorder, so that his already strong accent was further slurred by an almost childish and squeaky tone. As by habit I study people, I began a conversation with this very humble and likeable devotee.

"Where are you from, Prabhu?"

"I stay six munts of da year in Burkly, and six munts in Vrindavan."

"What do you do?"

"I mop flawz and wash pots."

His service was so menial that I almost felt embarrassed to have asked him, but from the tone of his response I could sense his absence of false prestige. He wasn't bothered at all by my question, or by his answer. "Where were you born?" I continued.

"Coney Island in Brooklyn. Ya know where dhat iz?"

"Coney Island! Hey, I’m from Cropsey Avenue! Coney Island's less then fifteen minutes away." A rapport was developing.

"Yeah. Dats just ovah da bridge."

I continued our pleasant conversation and could see that he was from the most humble background. I began to recall fond memories, even before I was six years old, of my grandmother taking me occasionally to Coney Island, the most prominent amusement park in New York City fifty years ago. It was a big treat for me at the time, but I recalled that even as young child I could sense that Coney Island, like all old amusement parks, were meant for visiting, not for living—at least not for living at any level of decency. "How do you like Krishna consciousness, Herman?"

His face lit up, with the humble happiness of a recipient of mercy. "I don't know why, but I git such necktuh. Such necktuh comes. All of a suddin,necktuh!" With each "necktuh" his heart became lighter and his face became brighter. It wasn't a show. Bhakta Herman was very sincere. He definitely was experiencing something wonderful in Krishna consciousness.

I learned from Herman the relationship between bhakti and an absence of false prestige. All Herman seemed to have was Krishna, but that made him very dependent on Him. We all are dependent on Krishna, but unfortunately due to so-called material assets like wealth, beauty, intelligence, or birth we gain a false sense that we are controlling the world independent of God. We lose the sense of surrender and shelter needed to approach the Lord feelingly, a sense that is the foundational emotion of bhakti. Factually, dependence is actually our taste of bhakti, just like a child's love for his mother is that sense that she is his protector and maintainer. I pray to become free from the false sense that I am independently controlling my destiny, so that I can depend on Krishna and experience the nectar of Krishna consciousness.

While writing this I was thinking of Jiva Goswami's commentary: gurv-anusarane pravartaka ity arthah. "The knowledge acquired by one's own perception and intelligence leads one to appreciate the value of the representative of the world." The same lesson reinforced by meeting Bhakta Herman is also one of the key messages throughout the teachings our beloved master, Srila Prabhupada. Here are a few examples:

From Queen Kunti:
"My Lord, Your Lordship can easily be approached but only by those who are materially exhausted. One who is on the path of [material progress], trying to improve himself with respectable parentage, great opulence, high education and bodily beauty, cannot approach You with sincere feeling." (Bhag. 1.8.27)

From Narada Muni:
"As they were leaving, those bhakti-vedantas, who are very kind to poor-hearted souls, instructed me in that most confidential subject which was instructed by the Personality of Godhead Himself."

A little explanation is needed here. Narada Muni got the mercy of bhakti-vedantas because they were dina-vatsalah, kind to the poor. Narada Muni was just the son of a maidservant and he was so destitute that he didn't even know who his father was. It made him, however, naturally humble, and because of this, he was able to serve the bhakti-vedantas with gratitude and respect. Although he was self-controlled, disciplined, and had many good qualities, some of the commentators reveal that the quality of Narada that ultimately attracted the mercy of the bhakti-vedantas was his realization of his humble position.

About November 2000

This page contains all entries posted to Waves of Devotion | Journals in November 2000. They are listed from oldest to newest.

October 2000 is the previous archive.

January 2001 is the next archive.

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